"I found him in the fall and will stand beside him forever"

It only takes two falls for everything to change, to shake the pages of your life like the trees shed their leaves. Perhaps by next fall my leaves will have taken on a whole new form and have learnt a wonderful new color... one I've never known before.

"Sometimes I wish I was someone else. Or that he was. Or maybe that we both were. I don't seem to know anymore what thoughts are actual memories or if I'm longing for an affection so deeply that I've begun to reminisce about experiences that possibly never happened at all.

The thoughts become one big blurry trail. A winding, muddy track covered in leaves that scatter in a mess over the moments I hold dearest. Blanketing the encounters I cherish most and painfully long to feel once again.

Sometimes I don't know what he sees when he looks at me, or rather if he feels much of anything for me at all anymore. If only he knew what I thought when I looked at him though. Would it or could it make a difference? Those eyes, his eyes that make me melt, every single time.. as if it were the first time I was looking into them.

I sat beside him on a train today. We sat in almost dead silence next to each other as the train ran tightly by the Hudson River. We watched quietly the beautiful scenery dancing by us and ooh'd and aah'd occasionally until the soothing hum of the trains engine and the minor vibration of the wheels on the track lulled him to sleep. Watching him as he peacefully slept beside me, I couldn't help but ponder what the day would have in store for us. I pictured beautiful mountains painted fall browns, full of amber, orange and crimson leaved trees, glistening water that would reflect the stunning autumn light and him, the man I love standing beside me. Laughing, smiling, loving. I thought of doing things we have never done before. To find a patch of those colorful, fallen leaves and ask him to make love to me then and there. I wanted his lips on mine and his skin pressed against me despite any sting from the disabling cold of this Autumn's bitter breath.

Fantasies are fantasies for a reason, it is very rare they come true and despite all my willing and might, we apparently are no exception to the rule. 

I don't want to become my past. Nor create an empty future and that is perhaps the most paralyzing and gut-wrenching conundrum to be trapped in. It's an annoying little riddle I can't seem to solve or the impossible puzzle only I hold the last piece to but annoyingly, perhaps somewhere I have in my subconscious, deliberately misplaced so as to avoid a devastating yet inevitable truth. If I just push it away for just a little bit longer, maybe this fairytale will last.

But suddenly I'm awake, and it's all completely gone. 

"Too many kisses, too many kisses Tals" is all that is left ringing in my head."

-  written in Autumn 2014.

Bowen Berg Dream

I still remember the first time you stayed the night
I remember thinking about how awkward it could potentially be
To have someone new sleep in a place
Where someone old had been
Then I remembered that's how it has always gone
In times before
That someone new moves in
Where someone old moved out
Jobs. Apartments. Relationships.
They're all the same
Alike in behaviors and routined departures
Fluttering memories scattered around
Everyone and everything is replaceable
In time. With time.
I think we'd probably had too much to drink the first time you slept in my bed
Because I don't remember a whole lot about it
What I do remember though is the morning after
The way your arms clung neatly around my frame
As if I was your very own precious little package
That would remain safely in your arms
For the rest of all time
I remember it being warm in the room
And I remember the different stages of light
Trickling in
As the night changed to morning
And the sun came out to play
Although it wasn't actually sunny that day
But rainy and grey
I remember being restless and unable to calm
Your body moved with mine
As I wriggled between the sheets
Your arms gripping tighter
With each twist and turn
I remember for a moment feeling unable to breathe
But soon morning came
And with it opened eyes
Gazes met
Within an instance I knew
I had found my person
And I believe it was then
That you knew too
"Marry me" you laughed
"We'll have a watermelon farm"
I'll be the queen of your kingdom
You'll be my favorite always
And we'll stay there forever
In our Bowen Berg dream...

This may not have been how our story panned out
But I will pause this moment and freeze it in time
And remember you and us like this
For the rest of our forever
That never quite was.

Always.
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