blacken my heart

I don't know what just changed, but something suddenly did. Inside of me. Deep down beneath it all. It feels as though I just let go... of everything I have clung to for such a long time.
It's strange when you realise a person isn't who you had thought... or hoped. Even more difficult to encounter when this person is and has been your everything for longer than you care to remember. The one who has been your reason to feel, who has been your sole purpose for existance, giving you the reason to keep on breathing. Time is carried along, the harm of which is shrugged off with the hopes of tomorrow being a better day. This better day never seems to be tomorrow, nor the day after and before you know it, the weeks are rolling into months which are creating the years... the years of time which pass us by almost unnoticed. Time and it's sneaky way of creeping around corners and bending rules to suit itself. Time is playing with our minds and tormenting our ideas while sucking their worth.
It's time who knows how to play us almost as well as we know how to play eachother. I've been played. I know this feeling and I wish it to not be true... but it's there and this time I hope to have the strength to fight the time which ultimately makes the game seem less harsh. It is harsh though. It's a harsh road, it's a tough fight and it's the biggest ride I have to this date ridden.
It's frightening and I'm terribly afraid of what is still yet to come, but at the same time I am angry, in a way I don't often experience. It feels like I've been drenched in gas then set on fire. Flames bursting from within my chest in hot red blasts. Flames of anger... and pain. As reality sets in the anger will fade I am sure, and as my fire sets, the tears and streams of rain will begin to fall down, blackening my fires amber ashes and my heart along with it.
This stings...

Nose to nose eskimos...

Just me and the kitty. Sharing a little moment. I miss my time with him. He used to sleep so soundly in my arms. He gives the best cuddles that I know and we share a definite bond. This is a day I absolutely wont forget. As soon as I saw him, I knew he needed to be mine. It's crazy how people can form such strong bonds with animals isn't it? But he knows... I know he does.
I miss him and his princess-like attitude. Silly kitty... gimme a nose to nose. x

I Love You

The sweetest words the world has on offer. What we all long to hear. Do they ever lose their meaning or will this line forever accompany the incredible butterflies in stomach feeling? I love those words, I love you. I love hearing them. I love saying them... and it appears I love writing them in snow.... and well, lets face it... I love all of you xo

Long Ago

What if i told you that in so many ways you saved my life? Saved me from myself and made me see the light? Or at least a light of some sort. Maybe it was just you. You made me wake up from whatever trance i had been living in for such a long time. Reminded me of what it felt like to live, learn and love once more.
Perhaps that is all that was intended for the "us" that once existed. Maybe it gave us both a chance to learn and discover just one more thing about us as individuals and if that's so, then there cant be a wrong in that. Only the right that it once was. Maybe I needed that time to see where the outcome would lead me. And it lead me right around in one big circle and back to where I was standing in the beginning. It was a very large and at times twisted circle. A long and confusing lap to run... and it left me panting at the end of it all. Sometimes I get the feeling that I didn't really stop running at all... that I've been doing these laps alone for months now. I think it got my heart rate pumping at a wild pace and I think it's about time I put a stop to this incredibly repetitive race that exists between you and I. The heavens know you stopped running long ago. So why is it then that I will be the only person in your life who always wants more out of you? I see it deep within, maybe that's why I expect so much more than you're willing to give. If I gave you nothing else in this lifetime, I would hope that what I did leave you with is the knowledge that looking deeper and admitting it can be hard to do, but if you let yourself, it can be the most amazing feeling in the world. I believe in you. I believe in you for reasons other people wouldn't even know are alive beneath your skin. If nothing else, know that I see you, even if it's that very thing you're hiding from. The realisation that perhaps, just maybe, someone knows you nearly better than you know yourself...

How different it all could be

Think about how different it all could be. Had you put that one foot in front of the other only moments earlier or later than you actually did. The possibilities seem endless.
Where would I be standing today if certain moments had been played out differently?
It's better of course not to spend time dwelling on these ideas as it will almost certainly end up driving you bonkers, however in moments were a lack of clear thought is for whatever reason remaining well hidden, these concepts love to wiggle their way in and set up shop in my mind space.
I miss the people from my past and should any of you stumble upon this strange land where my thoughts are open for discussion within this world, I hope you know exactly how much I miss the times we had.
How much could be different? So much so that I don't really know where to begin.
I'm not feeling well today... I think I am getting the flu and rather than doing a thousand and one of the things I should be occupying my time with, it's off to move my car for the tenth time today (stupid city parking inspectors) and I'll follow that with a cruisy dive into my past thanks to a little thing we call digital photography and the millions of photo CDs created in its honour.
Give me an hour or two and I'm sure you'll all be subjected to the wonders of my past through both words and images.
I like to share. Don't you? Until then... xo

Intimacy

Intimacy at its finest
Giving the illusion
Of first-class silverware
Rich and wise
Honoring its crisp white linen
Creating the perfect backdrop
Bodies tangled in sheets of the same
The taste of all that is sweet
Melting into eternal bliss
Rolling through and beyond
Tastes of another world
Skin on skin
Language of the human form
Truth of all that is real
Expression without words
Requiring no more than a look
Construction of a cocoon
Fabrication of the secret religion inside
Lustful and full of desire
Longing, a thirst for its passion
One body on another
Breath of the same air
Promise between promise
The silent exchange of trust
A time to touch
And fuel the starving remains
Of a hungry form
Giving into cravings
Feeding physical addiction
Greedy for the high
Granting permission
To the animal within
An elevated sensational state
With the eruption of titanic proportions
Flesh upon flesh
Breath heavy like the wind
Intimacy is intensity
Intensity at its best

Money for your Kiss

A penny for your thoughts
A nickle for those lips
A dime for your kiss

Beating around the bush...

Ever get tired of beating around the bush? I know I do. It's all we ever seem to do in our society today. I mean, honestly, how many of you actually know how to be 100% blunt and honest? It doesn't seem to happen all that often these days. Everyone is constantly worrying about who they might offend if they open their mouth and speak their truths. Crazy isnt it? I think so.
Whatever happened to saying whatever is on your mind? What happened to the days of believing that honesty is the best policy and a time of being better off communicating something rather than nothing. Regardless of whether you like what is being voiced or not. It's like that saying about any publicity being good publicity. I feel it's the same with communication and people speaking their minds. Any words are good words or words of worth. At least in my mind that's how the story runs.
I wish I could just say what I was thinking or feeling at any second of any day without worrying about the consequences of my words. Wish it was considered normal to ask as many questions as you liked whenever you liked. It just doesn't seem appropriate these days. To speak ones mind.
I guess that's why I relate to children so well. They just do it. They ask what they want when they want and speak their minds without thinking twice. It's this purity we're missing these days. This incredible ability we were all born with that is slowly filtered out of our systems as we grow and stumble into adulthood. "Properhood" more like it.
I wish i were a rebel. I'd shove the proper of this adulthood we all seek and tell it exactly what I thought. Along with this I'd speak my mind on every topic I could think of.
There are listeners in this world, and there are speakers. I'm definitely a talker... and if I had it my way, I'd be speaking truths all day and night.
I wish I had a listener... or someone who wanted to know my truths...
The truth is so important. Words are so important. People and their words which reveal their truths are the key to it all.... it's those people and their truths which I seek.
Mmmmm..... cling to that child within, if you still have it. Hold on to the ability to show your truths regardless of the repercussions that come with. Whisper me your truths as it's all I seek.

Is it all for a reason?

"Everything happens for a reason"... true or false? I'd definitely like opinions on this lovely little quote right here.
Does in fact everything all happen for a reason? Because it's choices you know. We all make them. Everyday of our lives and some are more life changing than others. But what makes us take each particular path?
It's what makes us choose what we've chosen which really interests me. There's always a moment. A second in time when you can choose to say yes or no. But where does that instinct come from that pushes us one way or the other? And why is it that decisions we've made in the past are not always the decisions we choose to persue in our futures? Are we all making choices dependent on ourselves or is it the outside influences that ultimately pave the life we end up leading?
If free from a world of judgment and expectations, do you think we'd all continue to make our decisions in the same fashion as we do currently?
I'd love to see the person I would have become if these circumstances were not to be considered. Where I'd be, what I'd be doing and who I'd be surrounded by.
It's the expectations that get us I think. Send us all into a crazy spin. Causing us to fall in a domino affect of decision making. Pushing us so far down one particular road that the options become fewer and further apart. Leaving ourselves with no option of a U-turn or way back.
Often we stop making decisions for ourselves and let previous choices predict where we'll land next. What a crazy game this all is. Where's the honesty in that? It seems to get so easily lost. However, I suppose there are few in this world who are 100% honest with themselves and others who surround them. Our choices become a path we seem to be creating for ourselves... and as straight as we believe it to be, if we step back and look a little closer, often it appears to look a little more like a tightly weeved web rather than a straight line clear of any disruptions.
Given the chance, would you choose your choices the same way all over? Or would you alter your previous choices in the hopes of revealing something that could, should, or would have been had you not been so afraid to make them in the first place?
Or do you just think it all happens for a reason? End of story, case closed? This is a question I one day hope to find the answer to.

The Words...

Haven't written in a while and I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps it's that I have a lot going on at the moment. Maybe it's that I spend most days now writing for hours on end for someone else. For a teacher, for the purpose of receiving some certificate a few months down the track from now. On this day, when I hold that piece of paper in my hand, I hope I begin writing again purely for the purpose of me and me alone.
I'll always write to others, for others or with relation to others but at the core of it all, it's for myself. To help myself paddle through the waters, no matter the depth. Whether they're merky or clear.... high tide or low. I hope for the words to continue to flow... to guide me further on my journey and reveal with each sentence a little more to myself about myself.
Why is it that we all write? Or think? Or do? I guess we're all teaching ourselves somehow, through our actions or thoughts or words. Sure, these things all contribute to the teachings of those around us but more than anything else, I believe we learn the most from ourselves.
It is only through getting to know ourselves that we can ever really let another know us. And who knows us truly. Really? Who knows all there is to know about you? And what makes you the person you are today?
I love to believe people know me and I hope that there are some who do. But do they? Would I know you? I'd love to believe that I know people in my life. I'd love to think I know them all with a look. With that small gesture only noticed by me and that person. But is it really so? Or are we all unknown to one another?
If I could trust another with the whole of me, I believe that to be the most incredible feeling in the world. To trust myself to know the whole of me though, would perhaps be even better....

I'll try to keep writing... as it's all that makes any sense to me somehow.

Until Tomorrow

I'm not really feeling the best as of late and I'm not entirely sure why that is. My life seems to be plodding along in a manner that isn't all that bad at all. For the first time in a really long time, everything seems to be sitting exactly where it's supposed to. No dramatic events generating turmoil in unexpected areas or particular unpleasantness causing distress to my, at times fragile and delicate emotional state of being. Yes, for the moment, the air in my world seems calm and completely still. Perhaps that's what is worrying my troubled soul ever so slightly and causing this niggling feeling to creep up within my veins. I'm hoping a surprise isn't waiting for me just around the bend. At least not the unwelcomed kind. There's still a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Maybe that is what is casting such an uneasy feeling upon me. In as small as four months, I will be leaving Sydney once more. Only this time, it wont be to head back to a country, language and culture I already know so well. I will be starting fresh this time... just as I have in times gone by. New faces, new places, new language and a completely new way of life. Just as I was beginning to feel as though I had found once more a place to belong, I am choosing now though, to transform this fixed moment entirely into a state of utter unclarity. I guess the clarity in this life altering resolution is my other half. After all the years of back and forth intertwined with the ups and downs of the craziness that has been my life, finally we stand relatively stable with plans, goals and all while maintaining our sense of self. It's this evenness in my life that's sending me into a spin. I've broken old habits, I'm beginning to learn how NOT to give up on things. I'm seeing reasons to be here, unveiling the passions I've held inside for such a long time. I'm realising more and more the excuses I always had for not attempting something I'd hoped to achieve are no longer good enough. Life is to be lived and I feel as though, perhaps I am only now beginning to live as life is intended. It's frightening. Hours spent negatively thinking, laying false hope upon myself without the literal attempt. It's no longer holding the place in my heart it once did. I find myself often a little more defeatist in my attitudes, even in the life of mine I live today, however somehow, these seconds of time are forever transforming and turning into visions of expectation and ambition. To do more. To be more. To see all. To feel all. Often I feel as though I have experienced so much considering the small amount of time I have actually been on this earth, then all at once I realise how much there is still yet to feel. So much still to see. To hold. My life already 23 years in, yet the real chunk in my journey still waiting to happen. I guess moving away from all that makes me the person I stand here as today, for yet another time means taking that leap, once and for all into the future. Into the possibilities that exist our there. Dancing into the unknown as I had danced with conviction, into and throughout my teenage years. I want to approach this time with pride, as I did once upon a time. With confidence and heart. In which case, I have plenty that I seek and hope to find within the next 4 months. Each day counts. Every word means more and as quoted from a favourite movie of mine "every waking moment is another chance to turn it all around". There are numerous times I often miss, copious amounts of frames in time that I wish to hold on to. To savor and cherish as I would the most beautiful bloom. To nurture and mother in a way I would my very own child. I cling to the past on several levels and with time I hope I am able to let them go, slowly at first and then more often and with a greater ease. With too much past enveloping my entirety it could cause complications for everything I hope for my future. It is for this reason I must learn to release the past from my, up until now secured grasp. Mmm... and it begins to rain. Yes, I must let the past fly free so that I may welcome what is still to come. But while the dark clouds float up above, dominating the skies and bringing with them rain... I know this moment is not the time. Perhaps tomorrow I'll start... but for now, I'll wait it out and lay here listening to its pitter patter on this tin roof separating the wet night from me and what may exist beyond its tear-like droplets. Yes... I'll begin to loosen this grip in the morning. When the sun, which is what I forever dread, unveils its luminous rays on the world, opening it up for a new day. A new day of change. A new day TO change. Until tomorrow.... x

It Suits

Don't act so surprised
You thought it as well
I saw it in your eyes
And it followed onto your lips
Sat up there and formed a grin
I like this grin
It suits you well
And that's all that really matters here

What is Found

I thought it was my dark vibes which did not interest you?
The depth of the sullen way in which I so often think
Which did not play into the life which you have created for yourself?
I thought it was not clarity and hope which you wished to find here
So I will not cover you in nursery rhymes or shower you in roses
Red and lustful, the kind I so often tend to speak fondly of
For these are exactly the things, you do not wish to have laid upon you
Especially by me, the angel of all that is black
Or are these the exact things you do in fact seek from this?
In the dream land we both know so well, perhaps I am your ray of sunshine
I know in my dreams this is exactly what I wish myself to be
And maybe there's a chance you see the fantasy in the same way I envision it
The truth is, with so much confusion a person is left not knowing how to respond
But if looked upon a little closer, we'll find exactly what we are hoping to
There will be no pity parties if pity parties are not what are desired
There will not be rain if rain is not what is being sought after
What there will be is knowledge and lots of it
Of the past and if needed, endless amounts of the present
There will be a quiet understanding which exists beneath our surface
Seen only through the eyes of those who seek it
And beyond these layers, we're exactly what we wish to be
And exactly what we're needed to be by those around us
I am somber when I need to be, for myself, in the dark and gloomy hours when I sit alone
Enveloped in my own frame of time where it's okay for the world to stop
Yet I may somehow also be the assured voice you need
During your dark moments which fill the lonely hours we as humans learn to create
And if this is indeed close to the truth
We'll find our own even space between the good and bad
Where the chance to sit completely still will not be frowned upon
Rose petals will lay scattered on the floor having fallen from way up high
Just as the rain which will pellet down from the skies
And in this moment, there will be no urge to run
For these moments will explain all we ever needed and wanted to say
Hence creating no reason at all to search where we searched once before
Life is here, exactly where it was left and although at times trialing
It is life which knows to remain hidden, until by the individual, it is found

Roses

What I mean is
That we should face our demons
Though I suppose that's the very thing
That makes the monster in me real
And that appears to be
Exactly what you run from
And what of you?
You know me well
And what of you I think
My ability and determination
To hold on to those I love is endless
It's the little girl in me refusing to
Let go of the fairy tale
And when I see you next
I will bring you that rose
Because you're right
Roses represent all that is good
And that is exactly how I see you
In my eyes, that is simply enough

Where did the fairy tale go?

"I wish I was never with you okay?"...
It stings... " But why?"
"Because it was the biggest waste of my life"
The words are like an echo ringing in my head with no indication of the sound ever fading out
"This isn't you... Where did you go? You lost the fairy tale"
I'm finding it hard to put together full sentences and the tears are not only forming but begin to fall...
"I am the fairy tale" smirking you think you're so smart.
You may be the fairy tale, but not the one I used to know so well

The question is now... does everyone I once knew regret having had me in their life?

A Moment In Time

When I loved you
You were able to make the entire world halt
Even if only for a minuscule moment in time

Who would have known
The images of a life could stand completely undisturbed
Transfixed by the goddess positioned straight ahead

The seemingly simple girl
With the ability to slaughter the workings of a pulsing heart
Through webs of lies disguised as simple, ordinary speech

Had it not been for the instance
In which our stuttering lives came to collide
I would not have sought you out in the style in which you had me conducted

The difference between night and day
Is likened to the colossal sized contrast between the two of us
And the tale of a time which never meant to hold a happy ending

Suddenly I come to realise
It was not this sphere's entirety that stopped
And it becomes more clear that you are indeed
The person who appears fixed to the ride

Warped

Was it so simple for you to let me go?
Did it not send a throbbing pain down your spine
Just as it did mine?
Send you and your heart hurtling backwards
With a giant push and blow to your core
Did it not puncture your previous battle wounds
And leave you alone in your ruptured hole?
Left shaking with indescribable fear
Of a life time of damage that may never heal
Why did you let it slip away from your grasp?
This intensity that may have lasted all eternity
You dropped it like a five cent coin
Somehow, not important enough to retrieve
Lost grip on all that made it unique
And with it you mislaid all that could have been
With a blackened heart left to fend for itself
I can see the weeping shadow fall into line
The significance of your departure from my life
Is of such incredible proportions to me now
And the way in which you left this scene
Is an indication of what may or may not have occurred
Right here in the presence of only you and I

I Loved You When...

I loved you when you were a nobody
Loved you when your eyes were full of tears
I loved you when you wore ragged old jeans
Loved you when you whispered to me your fears

I loved you when you were happy
Loved you just as much when you were sad
I loved you when you acted real tough
Loved you even when you were trying to be bad

I loved that I could make you smile
Loved that we did things our own little way
I loved that you'd tell me your stories
Loved that I knew exactly what you would say

I loved you when you were just you
Loved that I saw something that no one else could
I loved you when you were a nobody
And loved that I got to stand where I stood

A Rainy Day

Do you remember the five dollar note we put under that CD?
Tucked away safe to use for a rainy day?
I still have it, I guess the right rain still hasn't come.

Your House...

What does the house look like these days?
And tell me of its smell
Exactly how does it feel to live there now
I'm sad I didn't get to your farewell

But now back to the house
For I want to know it all
What about lights and
Which colours have you picked for all the walls?

And are they covered with pictures
Framed inside everyone who you love?
Perhaps you have a tall staircase
To watch her from above

How does it look from the outside?
Is it standing tall with all four walls?
With a phone in every room
So you can hear her when she calls

Does it dote a pretty garden
With a perfect bright green lawn
Alongside a porch chair made for two
Where you can sit and welcome the day at dawn

Is your door always open
To those who wish to come inside?
Do you have the family over
To bring the still to life?

I hope your abode is filled with laughter
And your windows are open for all to hear
Light up the rooms with our music for me
Then wait for the rest to appear

Writing For You...

It wont do you any good if I put our story into play
Write it on blank sheets of paper just to see how they look on the pages
Blotted ink creating streams of loops and lines
For the reading pleasure of only you

I could write all day if someone were to make me
Recalling our melodies of moments lost in times before
But the purpose of articulating these hours we both still remember
Doesn't seem enough to open the window of an era we left locked

I may dance beneath the stars, at night, from time to time
Twirl around in a pretty dress while I sing along to our song
Trill about the days we used to live out long
Remembering nights of passion we knew we'd live out longer

A day spent in the presence of one another
Framed a pretty picture of us for the rest of the world to see
The colours strong, intense and inviting of love
Take my hand and then take our picture, pretty in a frame is where it belongs

I sit here now, scribbling along to my pens flow
Wondering just what else I should or could have said
To make your heart beat faster just one more time
Without the guidance from my little tiny paw

Grant you the right to sing once more to the song of your choice
And with me left writing and you steady standing
Perhaps we could come to agree that here in this life
Where we are now, could be exactly where we're meant to be