I'm here. Where are you?

I live in New York - the city I loathe to love and adore to hate.
I'm still finding my ground - but who isn't?
We get as good as we give, and we give until we can't anymore.
I'm naive, so still giving.
It is what it is and we are who we are... and I'm here.
So where are you?

Deflected War

Your words feed my breath
The sounds
Escape your lips
And sneak in
Spirit wanderers
Inexplicable reason
Truth
Regained consciousness
And recognition
Of the place
And timing
Of our existence
I knew you always
You knew me too
Relapse of
Heartbeat
Broken words and
Cruel confirmations
Of unexplainable connections
Beating us raw
Defeated
And deflected
Raging wars
Between us

Vicious Release

Calm

Is this silent town

But still

You creep

Weaving wondrous webs

Whispering words

You'll regret

Whirling 

Ideas that torture

Pressed deep

Inside

So you can 

Rob me

Of all I am

And all

I have to give

Watch as I fall

Contract

Lose it all

And let me 

Give into you

Sell my soul

To your ugly 

But beautiful haze

And the throb

You hurl

Viciously 

Through my chest

Dagered 

Nailed to your cross

Drenched in your

Blanket of hypnosis

Covered in

Waves of lies

Washing over these limbs

Undressed

And disabled

Enter

Watch me cringe

With pleasure 

Confused by pain

Lust mixed

Hope

Dripping sweat

And tears

Disabled

A tremor

Yours

Mine

Gone

Release

Like Flying

Sometimes you'll have a moment in your life, sometimes many of them, where you take a huge breath in and out, and something changes. And in that breath, you find your footing. You become completely content in every single inch of your existence. You feel like you're soaring even though your feet are planted firmly on the ground. Sometimes you find this moment in a song, in the sound of someone else's voice or the music humming sweetly into your ears. Sometimes you find it in the sky, or the moon, or the couple in love sitting opposite you on the train. And sometimes you find these moments in someone else.  No matter where you find them though, take the time to soak them up. Live in those moments for as long as you possibly can. Fly. Take everything the world is giving you in these precious minutes and hug the air surrounding them. I had these moments with you. Because of you. And your laugh. Because of the way your eyes snuck into my soul and understood every detail that created my being. It's hard when you find those moments in someone else, because it makes it so much harder when they are gone. But rather than dwell on what you lose in life, it's so important to remember the moments you actually had. Remember them, put them in a special box and smile in their memory. Then take a breath. In and out... and let yourself be overcome by a new moment. Let yourself fly again. And again, and again.

Darkness

Darkness lit
By howling moon
Glistening tides
Ushers new hope
Hushed by layers
Soothing white cotton
Of peaceful drapes
Enveloping
Flesh on flesh
Tangled memories
In dreams
You leave
Night comes
And darkness falls again

Walk Instead Of Run

I need to find a way to let you go now. It is time enough. We may have found each other for a reason yes, but it's no good to either one of us as long as you keep running. And I can't run behind you anymore, hoping one day you may stop, turn around, see me and forget completely the reason why you started running to begin with. No matter how much I wish you would. "And I won't be the last, no I won't be the last... to love her." - because you let her go. Now it's time for me to do the same. Only I'll take my time. I'll let myself feel every inch of the good and the bad we had... and then I'll walk away from you. Instead of run. Knowing I gave my all, and the best chance at us I could have.

"I believe that my life's gonna see, the love I give... return to me."

The Truth Is...

I miss your poison.

Hate & Love

I hate you for making me feel these things. I never wanted or intended to. You swooped in out of nowhere and in the beginning you meant nothing to me. Just a bit of fun. Something exciting to say I did during my time away. My one moment of crazy and one thing I would irrationally do and never look back... regret, or waste time on. Now I'm angry at you. You took things to another level with me. Had me believe I was worth more to you. Your words, the way you acted. The way you needed me. Nothing makes sense. I didn't want to trust you. I hate the word trust and everything it stands for. I fought myself, long and hard. I tried my best not to trust you. Tried not to feel comfort within you. But you kept chipping away at me, until you tore down every last wall I had built up over such a long time. And then you made me feel again. Made me want. Filled me with desire and happiness. Made me smile, and laugh, and remember what it was like to be touched. Literally, mentally and emotionally. You came in and changed my life. I never asked you to and I never wanted you to. You just did. And then you turned your back on me. As if you'd meant none of it. As if it was me who'd created it all. Put all the pieces together and pushed you into the puzzle. But I didn't. None of this was my doing. I was just a pawn in your game. You picked me up and put me where ever you wanted to. Placed me exactly where you liked me and then watched as I crumbled alone on the board. I miss you. Every damn day. Because you put yourself in my world and then erased yourself without a second thought. I would never have done that to you. Or any person walking this earth's surface. I deserve more... but you've left me here, alone with the image I'm worth nothing at all. I hate you... and love you... and I hate that more.

Riding Solo

I've seen and felt

Every emotion there is

On this roller coaster

We chose to ride

Together

And apart

The thrills were many

Moments of panic

There were a few

But the fun of riding

Never seemed to stop

The highs felt like flying

Through endless skies of perfect blue

And the dips

Were just inevitable bumps
Put there to scare us

Rides are always scary

But with you I'd have ridden forever

Love Inside Me

Love is what we make of it and is different for every single one of us. I have loved unconditionally in this life and I have also loved selfishly. I have loved unconsciously, loyally, honestly and dishonestly. I have loved rationally and irrationally, helplessly, practically, instinctively, functionally and even dysfunctionally. I have loved alone, and together and somewhere in-between. I have loved only a few… truly and to my deepest point, and I loved you. The thing is, love is what it is to each individual and that's exactly how it should be. It doesn't need to make sense to anyone else, and more often than not, it won't. It isn't always fair, and it certainly isn't always easy. But regardless of the kind of love you have, you find, or you choose to keep… it should always come from the deepest part of your soul. You'll learn in this life that people aren't always to be trusted, that their doings won't always be what you need or want. Which is exactly why we owe it to ourselves to be truthful regardless of the consequences. And to remember always to love even if at times, it all seems too tough to sustain or believe in. If theres one thing in this life I am and always have been sure of, it's that I wouldn't know myself if I didn't give out one hundred percent of the love I hold within me. Every time, even if it is short-lived. And it may be a very few people who will ever really understand that in me. But if I give up hope, of finding another soul who gets and loves me, for me… then I would live a life numbed by reality, suffocating the reason for my existence. And being numb will never outweigh the feeling of loving or being loved. Is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? The hopeless romantic and forever hopeful side in me says yes. And for now… how could I argue with that?

Shape Shifter

Sometimes you need to know when to push yourself out of your comfort zone and more importantly, sometimes you need to know when to let yourself fall back into it… because sometimes comfort is exactly what you need and sometimes that zone is exactly where you were intended to be. Pushing yourself into a hole you don't fit isn't always beneficial. Accepting your shape in life is realising where you belong and finding peace within that.

Tainted City

I came here to take photos

I ended up writing

Thank goodness for words

Saving me from myself

Constantly

Over the past year and a half

These blank pages

Have given me someone to talk to

In this cold and lonely city

Not that my words ever mattered much

I can't win with this weather either

And every thought is a new line

I smell cinnamon

It's 7:30 in the morning

Why cinnamon? 

Why 7:30 in the morning?

Why anything anymore?

And what is left here to adore?

In this city of sin

With its dirty, tainted stains

Seeping into every inch

Of my soul

I don't belong here

I probably never have or will

It's one thing to make it here

But another

To walk away from it

Because you hate it

And know

That no city in this world

Is worth losing yourself for

It's only a matter of time

Before I'll be ready to leave

And come back to you

"You" - Part 7

I woke with a start
In a bed I didn't know
On the side I never sleep
And glanced over to a foreign clock
Blinking its red eyes back at me
The alarm I had set

Somewhere in between the 

Many glasses of water

And exploring one another

Had failed to do its job

That, or one of us had turned it off

Mid-hungover slumber

7:05am

I should be leaving for work in fifty-five minutes

But I was still in Manhattan

And on the west side

My challenge had clearly been set

And I was afraid to look any further

Than the radius my eyes 

Had only just allowed me to accept

The room looked different

Everything that had been dark 

Just a few hours earlier

Was now flushed with daylight

Bare and vulnerable

Similar to the state I was in

I took a breath 

Had myself believe for a moment I was brave

And let my senses soak up the rest of the images
Flashing before me

You were rolled away from me

Still sleeping soundly

What had I done?

I quietly took myself to the bathroom

To inspect once more

The mess reflected back at me

I stood for a minute

Staring into the mirror

Trying to piece together 

Every little detail

And remember

I needed that pause

That twenty second lull

To do what I was about to do next

I walked back into the room

You were still out cold

I began to gather my things

And re-piece my outfit 

From the night before

The whiskey infused white tee

Was nowhere to be seen

The minutes passed me blindly

Just as I knew the cabs would 

When I finally made it out onto the streets

And every second mattered now

If I planned to get to work on time

I had been careful not to disturb you

But as my angst grew

So did the frantic search

Amongst tangled white sheets

For a stained white shirt

You must have felt me rummaging

Because you woke up and looked straight at me

I remember apologising

I didn't intend to wake you

I told you I lost my shirt

And I was late for work

I said it was the same colour as the sheets

Which might make it hard to spot

What a strange thing to say 

I had later thought

Just as I had covered my bra and open skin

In my denim jacket

And claimed defeat

To the monster stealing clothes

From under the sheets

You found it

And passed it to me

I thanked you and raced to the door

The white shirt still hanging from my hand

You hugged me

I politely told you goodbye

Then left

As quickly as you'd arrived in my life

In that moment

I never expected to see you again
And I thought that was fine

As I hurried out from the hotel

A nice guy passing by

Hailed me a cab

Which was quicker than I expected

As I hopped in

And told the driver "Brooklyn please"

I had a little laugh

At my first real "Sex and the City" moment

In the city that never sleeps

With someone closer to home
And actually not from this city at all

Today Is Valentine's Day

And...

I'm wishing you balloons that smile
And pink flowers that shine
I miss you today
Frog that got away

Happy Valentine's Day Kerm - you are missed.

"You" - Part 6

I never really knew
Your place in this world
But I got my first taste
In the lobby
Of your hotel
We walked in
As some walked out
And then back in again
Calling out your name
Behind us as we walked
We waited for the elevator
They asked if I was yours
You smiled at me
I smiled at them
And said no
You were polite
But you're always polite
We rode the elevator up
And up and up
I forget which floor
Probably because I was talking
As my nerves grew more
And with that
So did my stories
I slightly recall
Telling you all about
The time I had come here before
For work
Your room was on the corner
Looking out on meat packers
And the west side of town
The windows seemed to be
What had impressed you most
But what I found daunting
Was the bed and its size
Big and white
And staring at me
If the alcohol hadn't still been
Inside me
Maybe you never would have been either
We were both jittery
You kept popping in and out of the toilet
That looked like a cupboard
And my phone kept making noises
It was J
Still checking in on me
I put my phone on silent
And didn't check it again
As you emerged from the door in the wall
I noticed your things
Scattered on the table
Phone, keys, t-shirts still folded neatly
What am I doing here
I think I commented on your tidiness
I think you were looking to shut me up
You walked towards me
The room was dark
Only the city lights
Filtering in on us
From the huge windows
Then you asked if you could kiss me
I got girly
And nervous
But nodded
And then you did
Our first kiss
Suddenly my nerves disappeared
And I let myself melt into you
Completely

Every Day

I take it back
I do hope you feel bad
You know what you had
And lost
Because of you
Your fears
And your child-like mind
I hope you feel
Miserable
And guilty
You should feel guilty
Acting innocent
Is part of your game
When the truth is
You're just
Not a very nice person
And I hope
At night when you go to bed
And lay
In a lie of fabricated happiness
Within the quiet and still
Of your own loneliness
That you take a second
And remember how it felt
To have someone else
By your side
Who understood you
And cared
Despite your crazy ties
You'll keep hiding though
Because it's what you do best
But I do hope
You still think about it
And regret it
Every
Single
Day

Kissing Colours

Six months ago the leaves were kissing colours 
And I was kissing you. 
Now we're both killing the colours of summer 
And I am kissing someone new.

"You" - Part 5

We walked for what seemed like forever
But we walked together
Exchanging stories
Getting to know one another
We walked until we found the bar
Where we had promised
To meet your friends
My brother was drunk
I think he was trying to get you drunk too
Although I'm pretty sure you already were
He kept buying you beers
He'd been excited to meet you
Maybe that's why
I was tipsy but still had my wits about me
They bought us another round
Beers and whiskey shots
I hate whiskey
They were big shots too
We took a moment to cheers
"To you and you being here"
Before throwing the potent brown liquid
Quickly down our throats
I missed my mouth
Threw most of it down my front
Nice trick I thought
Depending on how you viewed it
Upside:
Prevention of further intoxication
Downside:
Unattractive, accidental drenched white shirt
I thought it better in any case
To acknowledge my mistake
So you didn't think I was just out
To win some imaginary wet t-shirt competition
We'd laugh about it days later
It'd be my new thing
When my brother bought me shots
I couldn't fit in
The night was winding down
Everyone had drunk too much
And it was getting late
Too late for a week night
Everyone began to leave
In dribs and drabs
You disappeared to the bathroom
And when you came back
It was as though everyone
Had been in on some grand plan
Suddenly it was just us
Alone at a little table
In the back of some bar
I ordered us a couple of iced waters
You downed them both
The bar would be closing soon
So you gave me a list of options
To choose from
On what to do next
A quick glance at the time
Past 2:00am
Work soon
But...
I went with 'Option A' anyway
Which was most unlike me
On Monday I had made you safe
Looks like Tuesday was your turn
And you did
We left the bar
Jumped in a yellow cab
You gave the driver your hotel's address
I think we were holding hands
Though my memory from that night
Is a little foggy
To say the least
Apparently I talked a lot
I do that when I get shy
But that's okay
You peed a lot
Which you do when
You drink too much
Alcohol
Then water
My brother messaged me
To check I was okay
I told him I was in a cab
With a stranger
Heading to a hotel
Somewhere in the city
I told him not to worry
That I knew I was safe
With this stranger
I had just met
Day two
Of you...

"You" - Part 4

Tomorrow came
And I kept imaging
You would call
And take the offer back
The way you had the ball
I had thrown you
The night before
I wouldn't be the first though
To make a move
I had told you yes
And played my cards
How I was supposed to
The rest was up to you
So I waited
And lived out my day
As if it was just another
Studio Tuesday
Because...
I had met you on a Monday
The date was an even one
A one and a two
Which made our first date
One and three
If a Friday
I'd have been concerned
But it was a Tuesday
Tuesday the thirteenth
Another message came through
Later that afternoon
And we arranged to meet
In the dodgy lower east
I made my way to the city
Straight after a long day at work
Changed in the bathroom
Of a friend's bar
Ludlow Mexicana
A quiet second
To stare at my reflection
And assess the mess of a girl
Looking back at me
I still remember my outfit
A long black skirt
White tee
Denim jacket
And black Havaianas
Wearing my two feet
I've never been one to dress up
Or say yes to a date
My green work backpack
"Camping bag" as it's known at the office
Was proof of that
And the experience I didn't have
I met with my brother
And his new girlfriend first
We had a few drinks
On Orchy Street
Another text
We'd be seeing you soon
Cherub cheeks and quiet demure
You sat by me
Awkwardly
We ordered another round
You a beer and
A snake bite for me
You don't eat meat
And neither do I
We talked a lot
About bets
And Big Brother
More people came
The bar's corner we occupied
Began to crowd
So we took our troops
Out on the town
Dodgy LES
Became its name for a reason
We visited a broken church
Playing the role of a trendy bar
A single pool table
And YouTube karaoke
Was all I could offer
So we stood together
Sang a little Grease
Those Summer Nights
Echoing through the streets
I had always thought
The guy parts sounded better
And you had agreed
Not long after
We decided to leave
How did we get here

Wandering NYC's lower east?

Just two awkward kids
Sharing stories
Of general pants

"You" - Part 3

I threw it back
Our ball
In that moment I chose to reply
Why did I reply?
I should have kept hold
And walked straight off the court
Ball firmly planted within my grip
Head held high
With my dignity
And a sense of pride
Still in tact
Who am I kidding?
I've never had that
That's never been me
Not my strong point
That's for sure
I never seem to hold the ball
For very long at all
If ever
And undoubtably
By the end of the game
I'm always left standing
Completely alone
I'm like that losing team
The one everyone bets against
Because it's a known fact they'll never
Actually win
The ones that never catch a break
And are the laughing stock
Of all the other players
I'm that kid
The one at the end of a match
Standing amongst the crowd
Politely shaking hands
With the winners
Because their parents
Taught them good manners
My parents did teach me good manners
Perhaps that explains my reply that day
And the events which would unfold
Over the following months
Politeness
That and the pathetically honest heart
People have come to know
I wear like a badge on my sleeve
The one accessory I couldn't possibly
Live without
Your text was unexpected
You wanted to meet up with me
I was surprised
And confused
But what's new?
A battle with myself
One of the infinite kind
Eternal self loathing and doubt
Creeping around
Creating walls within my flesh
I should be used to this by now
"Tomorrow?" you'd asked
"Tomorrow."
I replied

"You" - Part 2

I'm still unsure

If asking for my number

Was planned or by coincidence

And either way

It was all the same to me

I work

A lot

And for a long time now

It has been the only relationship

I have really allowed myself

To be present within
Work

Nothing is too much

No job too big

So when asked

For my name 

In the form of numbers

In the name of work

I verbally conducted

The recital of ten digits

Which held the power to connect us

Literally
In a more physical form 

Than that which had been invisibly circulating

Our auras since the moment our eyes first met

An option you could say
Should you want
Or choose to use it
For work or play
Cheesy 

The ball was in your court

But then again

When wasn't it?

I watched
As your black car

The one I had called for you

Just ten minutes earlier

With its tinted eyes

Drove away

Concealing you from me

Just as your sunglasses had

Earlier that day
Hidden
Just the way you like it
Sometimes I wish you'd stayed that way
Things were easier then
When you thought 'mysterious' was cool
Mysterious was cool
Cooler
And more attractive
And neater than today
With the pile of bricks
You have left me here to pick up
From the wall you broke down
For me
Infront of me
Because of me and the safety net
I wrapped so delicately around you
Like a mother wrapping her newborn child
For the first time
Tightly
As though the fabric
Would shield not only from the temperature
But life's hardships too
Turns out, I fooled us both
I'm not your mother
Nor your protector
I should have worried more
About protecting myself
The sun was still brutal 

Even this late in the afternoon

As you disappeared

From the rust

And the broken machinery

The old men in navy blue uniforms

And me

Lucky, I thought
You had your sunglasses

You'd be needing those now

For you, another day
Another job well done
But mine was far from over
Back to work

Where I would watch

Another September sunset

Fade into darkness

From the comfort of an office chair

A large metal desk and the sounds
Of someone else's playlist
Crooning in the background
Like a scene from a movie
Where this song would find
Its way onto the soundtrack
As the lead character
Shared a thoughtful moment
Before reaching some insightful conclusion
I lost my mind 

In thoughts of Havaiana walks

Down Bedford Avenue

Searching for the right spot

To sit and down a cold beer

With you

Twenty minutes later
I caught the ball

You threw my way 

Disguised as a text message

What to do now?

Reply...

"You" - Part 1.

You...
Walked into the room
Your insecurities hidden
By the dark shade of your black sunglasses
The same sunglasses I would later note
Were missing from you
Complete in your entirety
As you turned to leave
Your eyes burnt me
Through to my core
And I'd ask you in that moment
If you had them
You'd smile awkwardly
And tell me no
And thank me for reminding you
To find them before you go
I didn't know then
When you walked into the
Large, freshly painted, white space
I seemed to spend all my time
Inside
Where I click my electronic keys
And pretend to look as though
I was destined to be there
Instead of the small-town girl I really am
Just fortunately placed
In this city of games
Concrete tetris
Due to good timing
And a kind soul
Willing to take the chance
On me
I didn't know then
That you would walk in
And out of my heart
In a matter of only six months
Time
Such a sneaky concept
And wicked waster
Of moments we could have spent
On things that would end up mattering
Or be real and truthful
Instead of drawn out minutes
Of twisted torment
That would end in
Nothing more than a fling
In your mind
I didn't know you
But I knew of you
And yet I felt excited tingles
Gurgling inside me
From the moment you arrived
This is unusual for me
I'm never like this
And I've experienced more than this
More than you
Before
I felt nervous
Anxious
And unexplainably so
I couldn't tell if you were arrogant
Or just quiet
Until the glasses came off
And you made the first quiet contact
With your eyes
They met mine
Introduced themselves to me
And a little smile escaped from your lips
I image the same kind that found itself
Nestled on my very own
A secret language - ours
Slight
But definite
A warmth began to radiate
Filling the cool air
That was churning through
The large white machine
Turning cycles over on itself
Attempting to maintain
Appropriate moderation
As it battled the early September
Summer heat
Bellowing in through the tauntingly large
Glassed window squares
It was still hot
Too hot
And I couldn't tell if it was the last
Of the summer's rage
Holding on
For one more round of victory
Or if it was you
And my nerves
That were generating an image
Of awkward red cheeks
Colour of roses
Dancing across my face
Painted beneath my eyeball sockets
It wasn't only me who was awkward though
But you had your own reasons for that
It isn't easy I know
Standing in front of lights
And a room of gawkers
Expected to be
Or act in a manner
These strangers deem fit
For the person they have you
Pictured to be
In their own minds
I know that feeling
I could see it in your eyes
You were uncomfortable
And it was understandable
You did fine
I wanted you to know you did fine
So I smiled
Peering over my screen
Into you
And your soul
It's what I know
And what I do best
Which is ironic
Considering my smile
Is the physical feature
I loathe most on myself
It didn't matter though
It never does
I wanted you to feel safe
You told me later
When we got to know each other better
That's exactly how you had felt with me
Safe
From the beginning
I still smile
To think about that
Safety is a rarity
Such an uncommon feeling to have
Or to find within the form
Of another human being
I'm glad you found your safety in me
In my eyes
And this body
And the smile I still hate to adorn...