The Wilting Child

Childlike symptoms
Spread over you like a disease
Coiled and boiled
Brewing heavily beneath
Dirty drops
Of tainted rain
Falling
Faintly down
Tears on the windowpane
Yours. Outside
Mournful mirky weather
Raging on
And confused you mistook me
For someone who cares
About your rotting slur
And the unwelcome words
That break heavy off your chest
     But
I miss you not a drip
Or a sip
Or a spluttered pot
Of the muddy mess
You made of yourself
And left nestled in my head
Riddled and rattled
Inside a bed of lies
A filthy hell
Is you in disguise
And all that is left
Is all that you've become
Weathered and wilting
And fumbling undone

Jim, where did you go

I don’t know you

Nor do you know me

But in this night

Hiding behind a few beers

It feels as though it could be

That we are both in the same city

Singing the same old songs

About one thing or another

Draping lives in tales

Of all that we have done

I'm just a girl

Simple

From a country mountain top

Living in a world

Bigger than she ever thought

Experiences be sold

And told

And curled into something new

Something we could learn

To evolve ourselves into

Outside the world is cold and harsh

Best I stay inside alone

While through my window

The stray wanderers I see roam

In the streets of sin

Bodies trudge in the same

Carrying out there

What I carry in here too

And as I ponder

And wonder

And paint and drink the night away

Listening to your words

Shaping them as I may

I find myself intrigued

By exactly where you are now

In this very moment

Also in this town

And I wonder if the lives we’re living

Are really so different at all

For in one momentary second

This whole world could fall

And I would lose

What you'd lose too

But I would love to know

Although alone inside I sit

There is someone else

Sitting alone here too

And together, but alone

We dream the potential

For something more

And something new

Mourning A Lover

Out my window
I peer to see
What is plump and white
And alone in the sky
But yet you are the light
Hovering over this night
Making sense only to me
And I would go back in time
For you and us
In fact
Tonight, I will it so
That we may return
The clocks
And hands of time
To when we belonged
To each other
How things change
When these nights turn to days
And the days drag on
And on
And on
Twenty-four hours without you
Seems eternally long
Haunting me
Endlessly
Afloat in my own harbour
Alone I sing
Of all I be wondering
And all my thoughts
Hold images of you
That become the lyrics
To these melodies
And woeful ridden songs
That I call out of tone
Like I whistle out of tune
Out of my window
Over clearest night
I perch
And cry for you
As only mourning lovers do

In The End

As we get to know each other
More and more
The differences show
And as it turns out
We don't like each other at all

Love, Forget Me Not

Still, sitting on my fire escape
I wait for something or someone
Who will never come

Just Fine

Lets knuckle down and face it - the facts
I'm just a little fun for you to have - at that
Before you settle down
And return to fix what went wrong
Darling take advantage of me
As all the others have done
Do exactly as you will
They all play it the same way
Empty words dished
Pretend I believe what it is they say
But I'm just waiting for it all to end
Taking the days as they come
As I march to a silence
And beat of an invisible drum
In time you will lose me
But regain the likes of another
And all will stay the same
Your game safe and undercover
Then I will collect my things
That lay scattered on your floor
And continue myself along
As I have done in times before
And I'll be fine
I'll be just fine
I'm always fine

Toyed With

I do not really know you
And I'm not sure why I thought I did
Or why I placed on you expectations
You could not or would not give
I let myself fall
Deeply into your warmth
Wrap a sheet around me
When the morning had me cold
And with my chattering teeth
You walked with me until home
Whispering goodbyes
Before I would retreat inside alone
And once I was inside
Body returned to a natural warm
I let myself feel
What between us had begun to form
But now you're far away
After many times enjoyed
And I wonder if with each other
And our feelings we have toyed

Looking Lookers Looked

So many lookers

Stalking this good looking town

In this looker of a city

Underneath it all I found

A looker of worth

A looker I thought to be true

Looking for me

While I looked for you

Looking into each other

Deep into the night

And again into the morning
We looked towards the light
Looking to the new
As all new lovers do

Until into one another

We found we had looked
All the way through...

Luck In Extremes

He's been in bed for almost fourteen hours straight

He must be tired. Or hungover. Or both
And the girl to my left, blue string bikini hanging from her bones
Is starving herself. Of this I know
Soy milk light perched on the breakfast table in front of her
And I wonder if she has been up for hours
Working on the removal of her non-existant fat
Being on vacation would not change a routine of that
I remember the days I was exactly the same
When an apple's core was my daily intake
And ironic as here I sit sawing away
At my morning apple with a knife
Sipping black coffee while I pretend
To feel content and happy within this body
And I've come so far since the days I'd stay in bed
For fourteen hours or more
Unable to face the day for fear of what would come
Or too the days when staying awake was a drug
And living off too little let me live my life numb
Extreme to extreme
Extreme the key to being me
But learning to live in between extremes
Found me the answer to be free
So this morning I watched
The glorious sun wake and rise
To welcome another day
Perfect along the Caribbean coastline
And as I submerged myself under the crystal water tides
I took a moment to breathe in the calm and heavenly bliss
Thinking to myself how life has a way of falling into place
And I count myself extremely lucky for ending up like this

Besos

I could be with him this week
Just this one
If only it wouldn't play on his mind
When all is said and done
Paradise deserves romance
Of the most beautiful kind
Here in the evenings of darkness
Light in each other we would find
Our Mexican dreams
Contained within Jasmine walls
White linen sheets
Listening only to the sea's calls
It would not be the same
But it would be a kind of nice
A week to remember
Before we retreat again into the skies
A time for us to treasure
All that once was
Stare into each other
And love again just because

8.2.12

He was peering across both laptops at her. Eyes as piercing and wired as always. "Am I one hundred percent convinced? I'm one percent convinced that it is not a good idea."

A moment of silence and slight confusion on her behalf settled momentarily over the table. What did that even mean? The wine had started to float to her head and she was feeling giddy and girly for unexplainable reasons. Although the words escaping his mouth held no comedic value and her understanding of what he was saying to her happened to stand at about "one percent", she found herself smiling. Perhaps she was smiling because she knew him so well. Or maybe she was smiling because she was finally seeing the light in all of the clutter. That famously discussed light at the end of the tunnel - maybe it did indeed exist. Such humor she managed to find in this moment that held such a muddled mix of night and day over a tabletop and two glasses of rose.

The sky was grey with rolling clouds and the overhanging doom of a much needed summer thunderstorm that would blow over and shower the sweltering city with tears before clearing for another beautiful day of sunshine lingered above them. It was getting dark. His face was lit only by the dim light of his laptop screen staring back at him. She looked at him intently while trying to disect and understand his face. Every inch of it. The way it flinched, the way it stayed completely still and the way she had known it and not known it at all. She studied the thick brown lines of hair that made up his eyebrows and their movements while wondering what they meant. They were straight and focussed as she watched them while she wrote. He glanced up, eyes shuffling towards the large lady two tables across wearing florals and a floaty blue dress. She wondered what he was thinking as the straight lines of his thick brows turned into pointy diagonal arrows to match perfectly the biting disapproval of his eyes and their gaze.

Looking back across the table, he licked his lips, then with tongue resting on his gappy teeth mocked the habits she had that he knew so well. "Chin up" he had said earlier that day, the daily advice and apparent words of wisdom for a girl who knew how to "chin up" all too well. He gave a slight nod - approving of her in some way and she wondered why she even cared at all.

He glanced over again to the plump lady two tables across. Lady Lord of Floral and Blue could tell he was listening to her conversation and judging it, as judgement was a trait he wore so well. But who was he for her to care for his judgement? With a sigh and pause from her typing, she longed to be in the shoes of the lady in blue or anyone else who would not cave in the presence of this piercing man's stare.

- b.o.s.w

Gaining

Find a way to use the memories of pain
As your gain
Because it is the experiences we have in life
That teach us our most valuable lessons
And you
And you
And you
Taught me some
While it is I
Who taught others to you

A Weekend Regret

"I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, as I sat silently on the bed owned by a man I'd never met but heard thousands of stories about. His life surrounds me - every inch of him. His mind, his art, his creations, they are alive and breathing within these walls. And yet there are elements of the dead creeping and roaming, silently with a noiseless presence that is urging me into a state of numbed "pensiveness". There are remains of what once was hung before me, in the style of a gallery grand, where everyone will come. Am I invited to the party? Or am I merely the eyes that watch it all come together?

There's so much silence here. It reminds me of home. Perhaps the silence is bringing the quiet out in me. It's as though this calm has created an uncertain awareness in me. An uneasy feeling. But why? I sleep next to a soul I adore, walk hand-in-hand with a man I love. And yet, when asked from this same man, whom I cherish so dearly, what is wrong, my words are gone and I feel nothing but empty. Incomplete. Dead. There is everything here and yet there is nothing. There are birds. I hear them calling. Somewhere out in those trees upon trees. Calling to each other. Or perhaps they're calling to me. What if those little singing birds are attempting to give me all the answers I have ever yearned to find. Wouldn't that be nice. And yet not for I do not understand these little bird's songs.

The time drags on. The moments of quiet creating a messy noise in my mind. Blinding my sight and sucking out any energy I had left. I don't want to go on the roof. Nor in the pool. Nor in the outdoor shower. Oh how I disappoint you. I don't want to eat anymore pasta, even though secretly I do. I don't want anymore wine, or beer, or anything like it that will produce only more pounds of empty flesh that nestle into my body as their effects seep into my core,  tormenting me with their comfort and ease. I don't want to wear any clothes, and yet the idea of being bare, breathing only in skin is enough to stir the panic inside me. The haunting I have learned to keep at bay."

I had love and bliss in the palm of my hand and I let a negative force overcome me - with regret I read this back and scoff at the beauty I ruined in your eyes and our time. 

Cowboy Parade

I am not the one

The sort

To parade into the party

Or be paraded by

Gowned in a midnight blue dress

Cowboy attire

Balanced on my head

With red lips to match

I will not be the kind

To follow you for years

As they float by

Waiting again

For the taste 

Of your lips

The ones I've known 

Over and over again

If what we have

Is real and true

You'll be the one

In the end I still know

Who I'll find standing

Waiting for me 

Just as the cowboy parade
Waited for you

Dreaming Of Reality

Maybe the dream was actually more of a reality than either one of us really knew. Or perhaps what we thought to be a dream was actually a nightmare and reality is what felt so recently like dreaming.

A Week In Mexico

I spent a week in Mexico
Lazing on the whitest of white sands
Front row seats
Alongside the raisin
Skeletor
I ate too much guacamole
Put back on the weight
I'd worked so hard
To put off - but I was happy
Beer belly
We spent a week in Mexico
Dreaming as we said we always would
You told me
"It'll be new, it'll be fun, it'll be better"
And that is exactly what it was

19D

19D's breath smells worse than yours ever could
Despite what your Daddy may have told you
And I never ever did mind
Kissing you in the mornings

Finger's Touch Away

My fingers want to touch him
But only because it's him they know

Where something's lost, something new is found.

"Why are you writing on pieces of loose paper like that?" - good question I wonder to myself as I find a way to brush off his annoyingly and rightfully inquisitive observation.

"This diary has pretty paper. I like to write it messy first and once I'm happy with it, I can re-write it here. On this pretty paper." I'm not sure my answer was entirely convincing although it's not as though the question was relevant enough for him to fly into a raging debate over either. However, it turns out my uncontrollable need to maintain handwriting perfection holds potential for absolute annihilation resulting in complete self destruction and discombobulation.  Meaning - loose paper gets lost. More easily than one would imagine and this in my world, is cause for much agony.

A few days later, at home, back from the most heavenly trip of my entire life time and I'm suddenly faced with the realization that the pages and pages of heartfelt - albeit horribly scribbled - words looped together in a script to describe my life and the feelings circulating within my being are gone. Gone. G-o-n-e. Not the kind of gone where one is hurled momentarily into a rage of misjudged panic only to find minutes later that what was "gone" was in fact just "hiding" in the outside pocket of their bag where they had five minutes earlier looked, and clearly overseen. No no. The kind of "gone" where one has searched insides AND outsides of bags, the bags inside the bags and even inside pockets of the tightest jeans that clearly would never fit wads of A4 sized paper, hoping to stumble upon a miracle or the proof that they do really happen. The kind of gone where after an hour of searching and false hope you are forced to sit quietly on the end of your bed, head in hands and whisper to no one in particular "no.. no - this isn't happening to me... no".

Yes it is. And it's gone. There's a reason you can never write something out twice, no matter how great your memory is. It'll always be slightly different, either in tone, or description or lack of connection with the moment.

I don't remember everything I was trying to say in those pages and pages of dribbled handwriting that never made it to the nice paper that is bound inside the beautiful leather journal my brother gave me. Nor do I remember how I felt while writing all I lost.  Who knows if I'll ever venture inside myself enough again to fathom even an attempt at reproducing what in this moment I grieve or if I'll simply let it fly into the abyss along with so many other things I am and have been mourning as of late.

I didn't come back from Mexico with the words I left New York City feeling. Though maybe that represents the ideas I returned home holding onto. When something is lost, there seems to be the potential for something new to be found.

And maybe it was.

Before Tomorrow

Rolling tunnels
Of barreling foam
White fluffy clouds
On sea's surface they perch
Tumbling and crashing down
Over a cluttered water field
Of busy bronzed bodies
Coo's, squeals and laughter
Enveloping the air
And the life guard blows his whistle
Loudly
From high up on his chair
Boss of the beach
Under red and white shade
Summer days
I'm caught in a summer daze
As the burning sun rises
And kisses the bright blue sky
Changing images and shifting shadows
We watch this scene play out
In all different lights
Just as we do life
Figures packed in a row
Like sardines in a can
By afternoon
Disappearing into life's eight
In silence we sit
And we are calm
Just one more two
Amongst the many we wait
To rest our heads
Along with the sun
As it goes to sleep
Behind the earth
Before tomorrow comes
And again so do we
And we will

Failed Judgement

I had never met someone with such great potential yet who was so eternally disappointing.

Rotten

Nothing about you appeals to me anymore
Your face is hard
Bitter and tainted with lies
Your mood is always somber
You look older than you are
And every inch of you is dying
If not dead already
I'm surprised you've miraculously
Made it this far
And your corpse walks
An empty shell
Searching for a purpose
In this life
Wallowing
In your own filth
Stew in it
Like the old and dirty
Piece of meat that you are
Until you rot
And the stench is so foul
That you disgust yourself
Just as you've disgusted
So many others
Who have come and gone
From your life
In times before
And if you return
To those with the illness
Matched by your own
But enough to ignore
Then I wish you luck
For the insanity that you share
Will eat you both up
In
  the
    end
Until that day
I can safely say
Your story is grand
Garnished with the most
Putrid of tastes
Blanketing you
From anything more
Than all you've ever known
Or will
And it's no ones fault
But your
        very
          own

Fleeting Irrelevance

They're fleeting
My words
In and out
Like breaths
Natural
Understated
Sometimes
Exaggerated
Always heartfelt
Honest
And as past
As they once were present
Don't read too much
Into the words I own
Speak and leak
And pour from my soul
Tomorrow will be different
Perhaps they wont exist at all
Words
Just words
My words
Irrelevant
Fleeting
Words

Losing Home

It's the smell that filters through my nose

Every time I open the door to enter

That I'll miss most

The scent of being home

Of looking to see if you are too

It's the moments and days you're there

Resting your head on the bed

Waiting for my day to end

So our night can commence 

Walking away, the memories will ache

With a hole in my chest

Where you belonged

I found a home

Within your soul

Only you are the one now gone

And I'm left resting my head alone

Waiting for you - knowing that home 

Isn't here anymore

Ringed Fingers

I’ve sat here so many times with you before

Looked across the table

Mirroring you

Those eyes

Intense as they come

Some days bright

Other days none

I had no need, no desire

To look any further than you

Not up

Nor down

Or from side to side

Missing things

Left and right

Beautiful things

Interesting

Kind

Things my life would be better

Had I seen

With my eyes

Opened

Instead of shut

But inside my bubble

I stayed

Blinded by your games

And the things in you

I thought I saw

Lover’s problems

The idea I had

That I could trust

With normal skies clouding

I was lost in rolling tides

Of butterflies

Sleepless nights

And soft fingers touch

On skin

Mine

Yours

Ours

The fingers of rings

Rings that got lost

Are now dressing fingers

I type you this on

Time to take them back

Gather my things

And continue to ride

Rollercoaster eyes

You Should Know

I was crazy happy with you

All those times ago

Rolling in fields

Of concrete tombs

As the sun set

Behind the sea

An ocean of open arms

Giving to us

These moments to hold

In place and time

In frames

And minds

Of memories

Yours and mine

Waves crashing over

One another

As we did

Over sheets

That wrapped

Temporary linen

And nine candles

Lighting us silently

Lovingly

Giving ourselves

To one another

Like the tide

Gives itself to the sea

Until dawn

You gave yourself

To me

And you should know
That you made me

Complete

Black Moth

Black moth
Wears sooted wings
A resistant residue
Of powdered coal
Envelopes your soul
Trodden upon
Turned cold
Where did you go
Will you fly again
Up high in the sky
Mediocre fair
Without wheel of ferris
Candy flossed
A pink you don't know
Or remember
Ever tasting
Shut out
A colorful world
And wings that sing
As dancers do on toes
Kaleidoscope dreams
Moving like the salted sand
Beneath my feet
Smoothly
Hushing
Summer breeze
Unlike winter's breath
With a slow and steady murder
At the chance
Of Autumn's arms
Cradling snug
Around this frame
Tiny. Petite
All still now
Settle the dust
And hand pain
A different hand to hold
Fall in love under trees
Where the butterflies roam
Bound and buried in tar
Black moth you wont do
Don't drape your black cape
Around my wings too

Again, Goodbye.

Vicious

Beastly

Yet kind

In your eyes

Behind the lines

Drafting tales

To tell over and over

Again

Harsh reality

Sinking deeper in

To the trap

We found ourselves 

Hiding behind

Captured

Our hearts

And more moments in time

Stopping, stopped

All the air lost

Sipping

Eyes wise

And wide

Over cups

Of chamomile tea

Followed ecstasy

Dreams of a life

Mexican delights

Everything wanted

The answers

Left seeking

We’d sought

And the chance

In us to find

What could be

Blissful and kind

Turned to lies

And fell apart

In the blink

Of my eye

And so begins

Again

Goodbye

Infinitely Lost

I was trapped

For years going back

Wandering halls

As dark as night

The tunnel I could see

In front of me

Lonely hallow 

Lacking light

No end

No evidence

Or proof of relief 

A sign of white

Ready to carry me home

Time kept me stuck

In dreams

I could not shake

Awake 

Whispering loneliness

Enveloping my soul

Voice carrying echos 

And painful calls 

Returning to me

Along empty walls

Bitter boomerang sounds

Drenched in ghostly gowns

Taunting and curling 

A fury of cluttered dust

And still I stood

In ice and time

An empty tin 

Of broken glass

Bound and tied

Without an ounce

A drop of life to catch 

And reel me back in

Dissecting wounds

Gnawing on flesh

The perpetual reminder

Of what would stay

Forever never

And just as I surrender

To the voices that beckon 

The begging retired 

Luring zombies to bed 

I catch a glimpse 

Alive

In the depth 

Of a knight

Peering beyond

Shining shielded armor

Built to barricade 

And house

The frail weed 

Growing and then dying within

Bodiless, lifeless limbs

And like fireflies fly

He lit up the whole sky

And handed a world

Of fairytale dreams

Glistening with hope

Pearled oysters delight

And within him I lay

Stay

Infinitely lost

In eyes

Deepest brown

I've ever known

Behind Orchids Light

I'm going to lose my cool

Let fly from any control

Left circulating through my veins

This place feels wrong

But right

And I have no idea why

Or what to do about it

It's 6:00am 

And the rain is pouring down

Heavy on the tarps

Making a mess of the garbage garden 

Waiting on the other side

Of your bedside box

Barred glass still behind orchids light

I look down at you 

Eyes half closed

And wonder what 

The part that is half open

Can see

Is it me?

Or perhaps your mind is painting 

A picture different to this

Is your body draped here on these 

White sheets

Heavy in a half slumber

Or are you bound

To another

Who weighs heavy on your heart

Stalking the corridors

Of the home we are trying to build

You're right

These insecurities riddle my soul

With disdaining pressure

And the burden of this load

Feels unbearable to court

And yet the statements sweep

Glide like darts through the air

Because it's all I have left

When I know that I 

Have never

And will never 

Be enough

Mended Hearts

Don't feel sorry for me
I don't
All because I have
What you let go
And more
So much more
Than you'll ever know
Because your heart
Was too selfish
To be selfless with his
I picked up your pieces
The ones you left
Bloody and cold
Sewed them together
And nurtured
Them whole
I thought I'd resent you
For having stories with him
Before I wrote mine
But the memories we create
Are always one of a kind
And now is the time
For us to bathe in the light
Watching our bloom
As we shower in sunshine
And stitch together
A pair of mending hearts
Who found in one another
What we were looking for
From the start

Checkered Lives

I sat across a table from you

A teeny tiny table

Dressed in red and white checks

And watched the awkward movements

Flinch back and forth between us

Eyes juggling from left to right

Our minds pensive 

Confused and exhausted

Who are we?

What do we even mean to each other anyway?

You've been here with her

I know it

But am supposed to find a way

To be okay with being just another

And you find your way

To make me pay for ever being with

The light of another soul

Before you

But there was life before you 

And before us, I felt things

Perhaps not the same

As intense, nor real

But still relevant

And I've heard you too many times

Utter her name

Talk to me about her beauty

And wonder

The crazy love of your life

Despite her insanity

And deceptive ways

Maybe she does know you better

Better than me

Better than I ever will

Maybe you're destined 

To find each other again

Play happy families

With the one who gets you best

I may know how to push your insides out

To create a light in your fire

That had been long put out

But maybe fate

Ends for you and me there

A crazy couple of months

Of passionate curiosity and lust

And maybe I was only put in your path

To remind you of what could have actually been

What could be

In the arms of another

With someone completely unlike me

You're about to go away

And be within arms reach 

Of everything you'd always dreamed of

Don't let me be the girl 

To get in the way of who

And what you really need

Or want

Colored Life

You've colored my life
In such a short amount of time
And I no longer
Want to hide
In layers of black and white
I only wish to dream
Of what is yet to come
And bask in the magic
Fly high in the sky
With lover's colored kite

Amber's Fire

My fingers are alight
Like fire
Energy bursting from within them
Powering through the ends
Like swords of light
Racing time
And challenging heartbeats
You did this
Brought me back to life
And made everything
Feel like electric fireworks
And magnetic tides
Throwing me with incredible force
Towards you
And everything we are becoming
It's the most beautiful flame
I have ever known
And I could sit forever
Hypnotically watching it dance
Twirling energy of light
Richest amber raging
Taunting the dark of night
And removing the blackness
Of an old life
Mine
Along with any of the shadows
That I used to own

You - Part 8

And then suddenly

The story I always wanted to tell

All the things I thought I still

Had left to say

Were gone

And so too were the feelings

That helped me create those words

And after every moment spent with you

Who would have thought 

That part 8 would be the end

But I'm happy with that

My recently found number 8

Letting go

For something wondrous 

And infinitely new

So the reason why 

Our story ends at 8

Is because the real meaning

Of infinite love

I found in someone else

Completely unlike you

Mexico Dreaming

I cannot sleep
My mind is filled with
Mexican dreams
And taking those four days off
To run away with you
I can't help but wonder
What might happen
If I give into you
And the desires building
Steadily inside of me
I have the potential to fall
Desperately for you
Maybe I already am

Your eyes scare me
In the best
And most beautiful way possible
They're everything I always hoped
That I would find
Everything
And more
Where did you come from?
And how did you find me?
I'm losing myself in you
Completely
I can feel it
But there's not one part of me
That wants it to stop

It's the middle of the night
And I've been staring at
This moonlit room
And you
For what seems like hours on end
You're asleep next to me
And I just want to kiss you
Over and over again
My mind is tangled
In the second sheet
We left on the shelf
When we made your bed tonight
And I just want to be tangled
In it with you too

You made love to me earlier
To the sound of a real record
Playing over on its end
And it was perfect
Now I'm still awake
With all these thoughts
Left circling in my head
And I can't find the off switch
To my minds own soundtrack
You're twitching
Ever so slightly
And I'm wondering what it is
That you're dreaming about

I've never had someone look at me
The way you do
And I've never had so much to learn from someone
Never wanted to
I tried to draw a heart for you
On a window that was half frosted
Half not
And now as I lay
Calmed by the window's blue light
Writing these moments
To keep from this night
Etched into my heart
Waiting for the dawn to come
I am happy
And content
And at one