Home Life

Give a lot

To be back in the hot

With you and 'ya bloody butt'

Beachside Alice 

Blue house 

Sipping teas

Balconies 

Kerm and Pig

Blowup comfort

Mattress rock

And nine lights burn for hours

Sydney sees

Birthday dreams 

NagYC destinies

One day 

See you again

Trumpy rabbit romps

2012

I really hope to see your face again in 2012.

Nothingness

We are nothing
We have nothing
And see nothing
Nothing is real
As nothing is felt
Spending so long
Pretending our nothing
Means more
Than the black pit
Of our nothing lies
I'll see your nothing
And raise you two nothings
Of my own
And we can continue to walk
Down these nothing streets
Of this empty nothing world
And I see
I was nothing
Now you are nothing too
Just two bodies of nothing
Nothing is me and you

Winter's Breath

The winter air is like knives
Piercing my skin
It feels harsh and unforgiving
Against the tender casing
That houses my broken core
And yet the angered rage
Of such a bitter bite
Is a welcomed distraction
From the throb of the dagger
That was driven
Straight through my heart

Coloured Coal

Limbs flailing
Soft beats
From a broken ticker
The tangled mess
Wears a body
Of damaged goods
Waiting for repair
And another
To steal the heart
Breathe new air
Into a mound of flesh
This organ
Turned colour of coal

Gone

I am overwhelmed by the strength and power of the engulfing loneliness that has swallowed me whole.

When

I don't want to find someone new.

I don't want to learn to trust again.

I don't want anyone else to touch the lines that create this mound of flesh I call my own. 

The dips and curves and surfaces that belong to you alone. 

I don't want another's hands feeling what has become yours to keep. 

When will I feel you again?

When will you touch this skin?

And would you even want to.

I still miss you

I'm not sure how it happened. Any of it really. And I think more than anything I am letting myself lay in the pool of wallowing whispers because it has been so long since I allowed myself to feel anything even close to the feelings my mind has created since knowing you.
I was the one who never thought anything of our meeting, never saw a future or even gestured towards the idea of it. It didn't seem feasible, or make any sense. It would seem every inch of reality would have an answer to why the story of us would never end happily. That all unravelled quickly though. Your words mixing with the comforting feeling I let myself begin to feel with you changed everything. A sense of trust formed, along with the constant awareness of another soul as a part of my every day life. Considerations were made between us, compromises and allowances happened naturally and went completely unquestioned. Our laughter was bountiful. A strong constant in our daily routines. I'm still unsure of if I have ever laughed so much with another being before. Our hat full of inside jokes was overflowing after day one and to share a sense of humour together was perhaps the most attractive of all. Everything was natural. More so than I had ever experienced. I didn't question it. Why tamper with nature? Especially the kind that was providing such beauty and peace in my world. There was no reason to wonder how we had got ourselves to the point where we had. It felt right, and that was enough.
Of course it was scary. Without realising, deep down I had become completely petrified of what we would come to mean to each other and how we would feel if it was taken away from us.
The realism of the situation would have to come to play at some point though. But it was hard to have to address that. We had allowed more to flourish between us in four months than I am sure many people do in years. I'm not sure I ever clicked with anyone so instantly and naturally in my entire life and in so many ways, that's almost a curse in disguise. The pressure of the connection we had was overwhelming.
I fell into a trance with you. I could have dropped it all happily to give us a chance - moved home and been completely content with the beautiful simplicity of what we were. That in itself is frightening, for the both of us.
You told me once "I just thought we could have kept doing this forever" and looking back, I wish we could have. I don't blame either one of us, nor fate, for the way our story concluded. It seemed only inevitable that things would end sooner or later. The previous experiences we both had were sure to muddy our waters too and it would have taken so much strength and courage to find a way to maintain whatever we were or weren't.
I was ready to hold your hand through it all... I still remember what my hand feels like in yours, but the intensity of the combination of us needed better timing. And maybe that's all it comes down to once again, the ever controlling concept of time. Time and timing is everything.
I need time to separate us now, in the same way time molded us together and yet every moment of the time spent without you seems to hang frozen. Unlike the time we spent together, which always seemed to race by at an unstoppable pace. Time gave me us and now it is only time that can erase what it helped to create... but the one thing that just doesn't seem to fade or ease with time is how much I miss you... and everything that made us special. My chest aches for your touch and if I had control of the worlds clocks - I'd go back in time for sure, just to stare into those beautiful eyes once more. Then I would hold on to every minute I spent by your side and keep every captured moment forever still in my mind.

Safe

I've never felt so empty 
Or alone 
My tears seem to flow 
Like they see no end 
To this cursed black 
Cloud of misery 
The skies have cast 
Above my head 
Then I think of you
I wish you were here
To hold me tight 
And stroke my hair
It's so selfish of me
I know
To utter aloud
These thoughts isn't fair
But no matter what happens in life
I'm always safe with you
And making me safe right now 
Is all I want you to do

Seven Year Dream

You were a part of me
For almost a quarter of what has been
But the aftermath of your disappearing act
Is still yet to be felt or seen
You were once my driving force
My reason to keep pushing on
But the idea of that now
Seems merely a foreign song
And I never wrote about you
Or the role you played in my life
But in the script of us
I had been written to one day be your wife
And leaving you was supposed to be
The hardest thing I would ever have to do
But nothing has been more simple
Than the choice I made to walk away from you
And it has already been so long
Since I knew the feeling of you near
But not once have I really wished
That you would still be here
So last year things were different
Or on the outside it would seem
But inside nothing has really changed
Our seven years may as well have been a dream

Unclothed

One year ago
Two silver rings were draped
Around my neck
Four months ago
They were removed
By soft hands I knew best
Today my neck is bare
And my skin, it wears no rings
Empty and stark
Just like this heart

Meet You There

I'll be at the corner
Where our eyes last met

Animal Us

A frog that lies
Pink pig disguise
She's got lillies leading her home

They sat in a park
But got lost in the dark
So now she's riding alone

And there's dinner for two
She's still up waiting for you
Tonight the waiter dances for one

Now rabbit dreams back
To the happy high-line track
Before they both turned to run

He says on with the show
It's time to pack and go
This circus will be trumping along

But she knows all things end
And in time hearts will mend
Just 'Don't Go' forget their animal song

Love and Hate

What I feel for you now
Is a mix of love and hate
And what you felt for me
Was just a toxic fuse of fate
Caught halfway between
Liking me and wanting only sex
What a sorry excuse
For not being manly enough to confess
Toughen up sir
Show the workings of your inner mind
And the real feelings
You learned to bury and hide
I don't need you
To make me feel whole
Though you may have needed me
To carry and save your soul
Goodbye lucky stars
There wont be another like me
Who knows how to nurture
You and your tortured insecurities
But you've blown it now
Gone and pushed me away
And you've had your chance
But didn't ask me to stay
You're just a stubborn mule
Of this I am sure
I was wrong to believe in you
And to think you were worth more

A Dirty Bad Habbit

I don't want you to touch me ever again
Or feel my body pressed against your skin
You don't deserve it
Nor have you earned it
Your memory is just a bitter taste
Left lingering sour in my mouth
A tainted lie weighing me down
Burrowing sickly to the core
And you're just a dirty bad habbit
One I am happy to have kicked
And the loss of you from my life
Is fine
Because the thought of you
Makes me sick

My Unlocked Treasure And Welcomed Surprise

You let me write again and forced me to feel
Opened the box that had been shut so long
The meaty cage with iron that held my words
In chains and ropes, an invisible prisoner to the soul
Silently waiting for a moment, another heart to free its song
And then in you swept with your key of gold
Jingled and fumbled and let them roam
There you stood, my welcomed riddle of surprise
Shy eyes hidden behind shades of dark ties
I saw my reflection in the black that you owned
Wanted you to see into my core
In the very same way my heart saw into yours
I engulfed you in an infinite sized safety net
Knew I wanted to be your soft place to fall
To recuse you for you had rescued me
An incredible trust between us had begun
And so you showed me those eyes
A gaze with which you were able to undress
Every last inch of my essence
And the world inside my mind
How could I be mad or regret a power so strong
The kind of bond you find only once
And the gift of the words you returned to my life
I owe the good and bad purely to you
And the last four intimate months of our lives

Pulsating Fantasies

Lay me down on sheets of white 

And make a messy tangle of our souls tonight

Fingers body racing 

To find their place

Etched and intertwined in mine

Tingles shooting from head to toe

Electricity running down my spine

Pause for air. Breathe in tight.

This moment is what we are here for

Press into me

With a panicky rush

To feel every last inch

Of what we have become

Writing maps and memories 

Making moulds of our bodies form

I feel so warm

As our skin finally collides

With your lips on my flesh

And your hands caressing my curves

You don't miss a thing

Creating our masterpiece

And moments of living art

We're stopping all concept of time

Take it slow and build it up

Wander all the places

Your mind has dreamt of

Explore it all

Let me explore you too

With your grip holding me tight

My limbs quiver for you

For your taste, your touch

And the hush of your breath

Lingering softly over my neck

Murmur in your ear

Sounds rolling off my tongue

Pull you close

I need you to become

Just one with me

As you go deep inside

And I realise I'm completely lost

At the thought of you

Pulsing between my thighs

Surviving

I feel like my world is crushing down around me... and the constant ache in my chest is pounding painfully and with such a force I am unable to control. I'm so lost in this second. So entirely alone and useless. I feel as though I am standing in the biggest field with no hill, or home or sight of land to run towards, to hide behind, to shelter me from the harshness I feel. I need just a moment of ease... a release from the blackness that has me bound. It is like I am paddling frantically in a giant sea of endless water, just waiting for a wave to come and pull me under for good. I'm clinging, and grasping and clawing at the very last threads of my existence and the foundations that construct my core. I am fighting my own mind for a sense of peace and somewhere to belong. I feel like the air is suffocating my breath and I am being drowned out by a body so densely overpowering that the murmur of my gurgling and splattering remains and last attempts at survival in this life are silenced and completely unheard. And the sad thing is... I sit here.... in a pool of my own tears... wondering if I even want to survive at all.

Like I said I would

I turned you into art
And got wordy in my head
Should have seen it from the start
When we were rolling in your bed
You hit me like a dart
With all those words that you had said
You were messing with my heart
When I realised the lies that I'd been fed

And time heals it all
Or so that's what they say
So I'll sit here in my wordiness
Until the pain of it goes away

Your garbage will be another mans gold

You might never fully understand what you just lost. 

But you should try. Because it was a lot

And in the end it will be you who loses

For failing to take chances

On things that could be beautiful

And nothing will flourish in life

Without a little work

Or fall into your lap

If you don't take time to float first 

Through waters of unknown

And oceans of time

My seas are soft and safer 

Than any other kind

And if you were honest

You would know better by now

Because I opened my gates

And let you in somehow

And you stayed here awhile

To test out my tides

But got cold feet 

So swam back outside

And suddenly you were gone 

Simple as that

As quickly as you came

You were taken back

Made your choice

You took a risk and left me behind

And the outcome of that 

Might need some time in your mind

Before it takes a form of reality 

And finds a place in your life

But a moment will come

Of that I am sure

When you regret paddling away 

And not closer towards

The scariest and safest moments of all
To a heart that is warm
And a place to always fall

And you might be someone in this world

But I am someone too

I'm the one you let go

The girl you stepped right through

And this is it

What you have to live with now

Knowing you threw 

Such a unique bond out

What you had in us

You might never find again

And if you're okay with that

You weren't worthy of me to begin

Another Goodbye

You might never fully understand what you just lost. 
But you should try. Because it was a lot

Two O'clock

Mandarin predictions

Paper cuts for your taste

Dreams of a garden

For you I'll replace

Wandering aimlessly

Around flats of fuzzy hope

Picture the platform

You'll meet me standing on

Take me to the beach

Walk with me into the night

Swim in white sheets

And wake me with warm sunlight

Imagine the days

Where simple is all we'll need

Still waiting for the night

Our 'one' by the sea.

Stay Put On My Sleeve

I didn't move to this city to get hard, despite what those around me might try to have me believe. Maybe it is instead my real mission to teach this hard city what it means to be soft and tender.

Granted, my efforts thus far have been less than successful, however when was the last time I ever really gave up on anything I believed in? It's no longer in me to walk away from something I care deeply about or feel a dense passion towards and perhaps that is the true meaning of this new life I have found. To learn to be a fighter without turning to stone. A strong fighter but a gentle lover.

I may very well be alone here, in this big bad city, without a true love to my name but it is this very loneliness that has granted me a world of time to explore for myself. It has allowed me to see life through my own eyes instead of someone else's.

This time is about living and I am determined to out-stand whatever this concrete jungle has in store for my time here.

I have the biggest and most open heart - one that I will not allow those who are wreckless with it destroy. It is worn on my sleeve... which is exactly where I like it and where it will continue to belong.

On Loop For Life

Life is a confusing turntable of events

Spinning scenarios wildly in a circular motion

Mixing lives into a state of blinding hypnosis

Admiring the undeniable groove

And the DJ mixes a track of his own

While he watches his puppets dance

Rapidly intertwining their high-flying strings

Pulsing their bodies to a brand new beat

Eyes locked on one another

We begin to move, instinctively and slow

Grasping the heat of this moment

Before the sync of reality jolts us back to life

If we could take this thing off pause

And let the song play on

I'd throw away the rest of my days

To stay on loop for life

Lies. Crave. Human Desire.

Why are we all so sickly insane
Incapable of releasing
To the instinct
Running deep within our veins
Waiting to explode
While the learnt behavior of acceptability
Fights to strangle the animal within
Lies!
But we're all beasts
Creators of our own sins
Trapped behind bars we've built within
Judgement, guilt and fear
Boil up and surface grace
Create and crave
A rush of negative energy
Evil fighting for our souls
Struggling to win against
Beautiful creator of natural desire
Rule the way in which we interact
Tiny ants scattered among the ground
Like the baby incisions taking place
Daily rituals carved
Onto a skin that has learned to heal
Before the wounds
Become too deep
Build their gills and learn to breathe
Or grow and manifest into unfamiliar shapes
Our human minds have come to erase
Vicious cycle
Of an endless battle
The kind we're all longing to eliminate
An elastic layer
Of continuous healing momentum
Turning pure purpose into mess
And raw intent into a mountain of deceit
Our reality stands strong
Hypnotized
Draped with jewels
Dancing in thought
Dressed in truth
Hidden in the lies
That played there from the start
Human desire.
To let it bleed runs deep
A dirty and tainted twist
On a world that could be great.