Until Tomorrow

I'm not really feeling the best as of late and I'm not entirely sure why that is. My life seems to be plodding along in a manner that isn't all that bad at all. For the first time in a really long time, everything seems to be sitting exactly where it's supposed to. No dramatic events generating turmoil in unexpected areas or particular unpleasantness causing distress to my, at times fragile and delicate emotional state of being. Yes, for the moment, the air in my world seems calm and completely still. Perhaps that's what is worrying my troubled soul ever so slightly and causing this niggling feeling to creep up within my veins. I'm hoping a surprise isn't waiting for me just around the bend. At least not the unwelcomed kind. There's still a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Maybe that is what is casting such an uneasy feeling upon me. In as small as four months, I will be leaving Sydney once more. Only this time, it wont be to head back to a country, language and culture I already know so well. I will be starting fresh this time... just as I have in times gone by. New faces, new places, new language and a completely new way of life. Just as I was beginning to feel as though I had found once more a place to belong, I am choosing now though, to transform this fixed moment entirely into a state of utter unclarity. I guess the clarity in this life altering resolution is my other half. After all the years of back and forth intertwined with the ups and downs of the craziness that has been my life, finally we stand relatively stable with plans, goals and all while maintaining our sense of self. It's this evenness in my life that's sending me into a spin. I've broken old habits, I'm beginning to learn how NOT to give up on things. I'm seeing reasons to be here, unveiling the passions I've held inside for such a long time. I'm realising more and more the excuses I always had for not attempting something I'd hoped to achieve are no longer good enough. Life is to be lived and I feel as though, perhaps I am only now beginning to live as life is intended. It's frightening. Hours spent negatively thinking, laying false hope upon myself without the literal attempt. It's no longer holding the place in my heart it once did. I find myself often a little more defeatist in my attitudes, even in the life of mine I live today, however somehow, these seconds of time are forever transforming and turning into visions of expectation and ambition. To do more. To be more. To see all. To feel all. Often I feel as though I have experienced so much considering the small amount of time I have actually been on this earth, then all at once I realise how much there is still yet to feel. So much still to see. To hold. My life already 23 years in, yet the real chunk in my journey still waiting to happen. I guess moving away from all that makes me the person I stand here as today, for yet another time means taking that leap, once and for all into the future. Into the possibilities that exist our there. Dancing into the unknown as I had danced with conviction, into and throughout my teenage years. I want to approach this time with pride, as I did once upon a time. With confidence and heart. In which case, I have plenty that I seek and hope to find within the next 4 months. Each day counts. Every word means more and as quoted from a favourite movie of mine "every waking moment is another chance to turn it all around". There are numerous times I often miss, copious amounts of frames in time that I wish to hold on to. To savor and cherish as I would the most beautiful bloom. To nurture and mother in a way I would my very own child. I cling to the past on several levels and with time I hope I am able to let them go, slowly at first and then more often and with a greater ease. With too much past enveloping my entirety it could cause complications for everything I hope for my future. It is for this reason I must learn to release the past from my, up until now secured grasp. Mmm... and it begins to rain. Yes, I must let the past fly free so that I may welcome what is still to come. But while the dark clouds float up above, dominating the skies and bringing with them rain... I know this moment is not the time. Perhaps tomorrow I'll start... but for now, I'll wait it out and lay here listening to its pitter patter on this tin roof separating the wet night from me and what may exist beyond its tear-like droplets. Yes... I'll begin to loosen this grip in the morning. When the sun, which is what I forever dread, unveils its luminous rays on the world, opening it up for a new day. A new day of change. A new day TO change. Until tomorrow.... x