Again with the time...

Maybe it’s not time any of us really need at all. Maybe time only delays us from finding what we’re truly destined to find. I have always relied on the notion that all any of us need is time. Time to heal, time to see, time to feel, time to recover, time to forget or time to discover. Time to live, time to laugh and more than that, time to love.

The more I live though, the more I begin to wonder if it is time we should place so much emphasis on or if time is the one thing holding us all back. I wonder if waiting for time to pass us by is keeping us far away from the lives the stars have mapped out for us.

I’ve found the most in my life once I stop looking, this is for certain. So maybe it’s not time at all. Maybe it’s the ability to stop seeking we all must aim for in order to find clarity.

Time and time again I have strived for greatness and not in the form most expect. Many people spend their lives striving for greatness in a literal sense. Not me, it’s greatness within I’ve spent my life searching for. It’s the knowledge of who I am really meant to be that I wish to possess. Why was I put here? And why do I do and feel in the ways that I do?

Love is my weakness and also my strength and has been for as long as I can remember.

I’ve loved in ways I believe many people would never understand. I love honestly and beyond reason. I love because it’s so often all that makes sense to me. But most of all, I love because I think people are worth it.

Love can cause pain though and I should know all about that kind of pain, as love will inevitably bring with it a sense of pain or loss. Especially for those who wear their heart on their sleeve in a manner similar to me. Not everything can be perfect forever afterall… or can it?

This is the question I have been pondering most often over the past few weeks. Why? I’m still unsure of why exactly I can’t shake this feeling from my system but it’s becoming a topic I’m not sure I want to hide from anymore.

If I am the kind of girl who throws herself at love without an ounce of fear, why is it I cannot throw myself at the truth and every aspect of life in the same way?

I’ve always been afraid of the truth. Especially the truth that lies within my very own soul because, you may think you know yourself so well and then suddenly, if you look beyond the surface, you find something unexpected. Sometimes theses surprises are welcomed and other times they’re not the kind of outcomes you had hoped for.

Maybe this is why I am frightened of my own truth. For such a long time I’ve kept it trapped inside a girl who very few truly know. Perhaps I am now so far from knowing myself that I’m afraid of uncovering what has been lost incase what I find is something I’ve been running from.

Why do people run? Why do we run from ourselves and others? We spend our entire lives running without stopping long enough to think about why we’re actually doing it. We all hold fear inside, often without realising and what I want to know is if what’s hidden inside is worthy of our fear. Worthy of the sleepless nights we waste wide-eyed and worried.

We can only learn this though by facing it head on. By letting go and diving in, head first, eyes opened and arms stretched out wide. This concept is scarier than almost any other I could imagine and this is exactly why I have spent so long in hiding. What I’m learning now is… all this time I’ve spent lingering in the hopes of repair may have sent me backward. All this time, I may have been hiding from myself.

Time, it’s the thing I thought I was giving myself to recover and re-discover… and it’s the same thing that has taken just as much away from me.

Someone told me once that my life is waiting and I am just too scared to take that plunge. Maybe this person knew me better than I thought… there is definitely a lot to think about. Then again, isn’t there always? So much to do and say and think… and nowhere near enough time to do it in….