Sleep...

So I haven't been sleeping very well lately and my brain has been trying to figure out the reason why. I couldn't really come up with a lot, at least nothing that made perfect sense or added up to "Bingo!" However, I feel the need to share the numerous possibilities with those of you who may also be in need of a good 8 hour sleep session.

My lack of sleep and ability to reform to the "normal" sleeping patterns of a regular human being could very well be linked to my new job. Yes, I'm working at a cafe once again, for those who were unaware. It's a Cuban influenced club/bar and their decor and "ooooh latina!" music is enough to keep me, even if the crazy, old, drugged-up, batty and homeless loons at the X make me wanna run in the opposite direction.
I've been working a lot of night shifts, which has of course completely screwed with 'the plan' of me seeing through the end of my six month Tafe degree as it is virtually impossible to come home at 2-6 in the morning and get up a few hours later. Although, it's not the getting up that is the problem. It's the fact that my body doesn't let me unwind for close to three hours after I step foot inside my house, let alone sleep. And yes, sure, my body wakes itself up again about 2 hours after I've drifted of.
Fact is though, the energy is what is then lacking. My eyes may be awake and to everyone else I may look ready to begin the day, but my insides are screaming out "No! Stay in bed! So tired!" and I obey. Therefore, screwing with my degree, and failing to get the simplist of tasts done. Example; cleaning mountains of clothes off cupboard, finishing half-done assignments and getting my ass to work again. In conclusion, I do agree that the work issue, is contributing to my sleep related issues of late.

However, I think there may be more to it than just that. You see, the time for me to leave Sydney is once again approaching and might I add, at quite the rapid pace! As I sit here in the dark, wheaty warmers snuggled around my tummy and toes in bed, I realise it is already the first day of June. June 2009. It feels like only yesterday I was returning from my last overseas stay and that was in April 2007. Over two years ago.

I'm realising more and more every day how much there is to get done before I leave. I always have a new plan, or idea... a task I need to complete and while the thoughts continue to pile and mount on top of me, the date to fly creeps closer and closer. Yet, I sit here, yellow sticky notes plastered over my computer background with a list that seems to be growing, rather than shrinking. It's no secret, this kind of thing would be enough to make even the most in control person panic, at least a little right? Or...?

So story continued, I was talking to the boy tonight and I realised, by the time we leave this house it will have been nearly a year that we lived in this building. Almost one whole year in this tiny box of a room which boasts the most beautiful balcony, of which we have never, ever used. In fact, I believe the boy's Mum used it more during her 3 week visit to Australia than we have, this entire past year. If a year can go so quickly, then why am I so nervous about leaving once again? I'm wondering if the nerves have something to do with my not sleeping. All that anticipation? All those unanswered questions?

You see, what I had planned for this past 6 months, was clearly unrealistic, however having thought them, and not completed all the thoughts I had planted in my head, has left me feeling a little low. More uneasy than low really. I planned to finish my course, of course! I also planned to have done a 'Teach English Overseas" course, a French course, a TV presenting course, a photography course and a creative writing course. Not to mention the 4 dance classes a week I had hoped to be taking... Oh also, the Yoga/Pilates 4 mornings a week, and gym on the other 3. What a laugh! I'm sitting here and I haven't done any of those things other than the first. Now that's just sad.

Perhaps that is why I am left feeling so dissatisfied... left with this sour taste in my mouth. It can be blamed on none other than myself of course and yes, for this I am disappointed.
So I guess I am scared that my plans for the next few months before I leave, not to mention the plans post departure, may perhaps sing-a-long to the same failed tune all those other great ideas did and I'll be left with another stack of superb plans, which like in the past 6 months, will NOT happen.

My mind doesn't appear to want me to rest though. It wants me awake at all times. It's as though if I so much as blink, my head believes I may miss something. To be honest, I think it's all this staying awake which is factoring into me missing out on things.
Maybe I do need to stay awake, but not in the typical sense. It could be, that I need to wake up and open my eyes to the things I've never considered, or expected from the world. For all I know, the unexpected may be exactly what I need. In which case,
I will then start predicting and pondering the pounce of that which is unexpected... this of course will then force the unveiling of such unknown tales, into expected territory... and expectations are, what I should be steering clear from. Correct? The twistered and tormenting tales of my brain confuse the hell out of me.

It's all a money thing you know, at the core of it all. As horrific as that sounds. Lets just say it out loud and then leave it open for discussion, but I personally, put it down to money. If someone gave me a loan of say... 20 grand, I'd be attempting all those big ideas and not only that, I'd be tackling them and triumphing every single time! Or at least that's the story I like to chew on for now. Prepare for me to spit it back out though, should I ever actually come into contact with 20 thousand dollars.

In my dreams though, all I really want to do is travel... and write. Take photos and inspire people when they're not feeling overly inspired. But most of all, I'd love to create a reason for myself and others to smile. The purest and most important kind of smile, the true kind. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? So why does it all require so much planning and time and money?

Oh this world continues to spin, this is true and as it does, it persists to blow my mind. Confusing me with every single shift. I plan on figuring it all out someday you know. Just you wait. I'll be the girl with a "I told you so!" flag dancing on her tippy toes from the highest viewpoint of the worlds tallest mountains.

But still I wonder, what is required from us all, while here on this earth? Maybe it's simple. Maybe it's sleep. So you can continue to dream. We all need sleep. Without it, the cross over between layering planes become hazey, and the potential for both lives, those of our dreams and those of our realities become harder to manage and may end up lost.
Juggling the two in perfect harmony may just be what we find in those unexpected moments... if we let ourselves.

You see, these are the child like moments I have so often, where I wish my mother would shower me with her kisses as I fall to sleep with the scent I know so well as hers, still lingering in the air around me. It's time to sleep now, wish me luck and beautiful dreams to accompany it.


"Nini, love you, sleep well, see you in the morning" - The perfect words which, thanks to my mother, will play forever in my head, for the rest of my days as I drift to sleep.