The milky white layering between lives...

Maybe I’m scared because I never got to tell my side of the story. Maybe it’s hard because I couldn’t trust. When a trust is taken from you once, it’s hard to go back to that safe place of believing 100%, without doubt and whole-heartedly. You’re always second-guessing, wondering if this time the words will be real, or if you’re about to get your heart broken again. It’s hard to learn to trust again. It takes so much work… and time, a lot of time. When you don’t have that time, things slip away. Not because they mean any less or because you don’t care anymore, they slip away because that lack of time lets them slip away. It’s so simple and yet complex beyond belief. There are too many factors to be considered before you lay yourself flat on the table, pure and free once more, in the same manner you did all those times before, in the past. You lay free of sin and pain, body the colour of flawless milky white, open for the taking. Hoping for a love so strong and passionate to wash over you, taking your innocence but leaving your purity. The milky white layering can only last as long as the love remains free of pollution. Once burnt, your skin is already tarnished. Now you lay flat on the table with flesh wounds. Less appealing to loves prospects. The damage heals over time or, at the least it does on the outside. Your flesh slowly begins to appear a little more together, still with visible bruising but not enough to turn love away. You find that love and passion once more, if you let it and you know this because you feel its waves rushing over your soul. It’s never the same as the time before… I think that’s because our bodies learn to heal on the outside but forget to build back the rest. What lives inside, is completely different. A heart that once illuminated the colour red brightly through the purist and whitest of skins doesn’t always light itself again in the way it once did. That heart slowly but surely loses its heat and vibrancy. No one knows what is going on inside because no one is inside. You get to a place when you can’t let anyone else in. So how can they judge you? How can anyone presume or assume things that they do not know? Presuming can be unhealthy. About as unhealthy as living a lie because you’re too scared to face the possibility of that light radiating the way it once did. Too frightened that everything you may have been looking for, could actually be staring you right in the face. My skin doesn’t feel as white or as pure as it once did and I blame time for this. Timing is everything. The heart aches, for what it wants and also often, what it knows… the rest depends on the timing. Maybe my heart never sat high up in my chest, perhaps I always carried mine on my sleeve and maybe that’s exactly why I stand where I am today. I’d give anything though to lay once more and have the spirit of true desires sweep over me like the most comforting blanket, curing a past and covering me once more in that innocent, white sheet of honest layering.