Losing Home

It's the smell that filters through my nose

Every time I open the door to enter

That I'll miss most

The scent of being home

Of looking to see if you are too

It's the moments and days you're there

Resting your head on the bed

Waiting for my day to end

So our night can commence 

Walking away, the memories will ache

With a hole in my chest

Where you belonged

I found a home

Within your soul

Only you are the one now gone

And I'm left resting my head alone

Waiting for you - knowing that home 

Isn't here anymore

Ringed Fingers

I’ve sat here so many times with you before

Looked across the table

Mirroring you

Those eyes

Intense as they come

Some days bright

Other days none

I had no need, no desire

To look any further than you

Not up

Nor down

Or from side to side

Missing things

Left and right

Beautiful things

Interesting

Kind

Things my life would be better

Had I seen

With my eyes

Opened

Instead of shut

But inside my bubble

I stayed

Blinded by your games

And the things in you

I thought I saw

Lover’s problems

The idea I had

That I could trust

With normal skies clouding

I was lost in rolling tides

Of butterflies

Sleepless nights

And soft fingers touch

On skin

Mine

Yours

Ours

The fingers of rings

Rings that got lost

Are now dressing fingers

I type you this on

Time to take them back

Gather my things

And continue to ride

Rollercoaster eyes

You Should Know

I was crazy happy with you

All those times ago

Rolling in fields

Of concrete tombs

As the sun set

Behind the sea

An ocean of open arms

Giving to us

These moments to hold

In place and time

In frames

And minds

Of memories

Yours and mine

Waves crashing over

One another

As we did

Over sheets

That wrapped

Temporary linen

And nine candles

Lighting us silently

Lovingly

Giving ourselves

To one another

Like the tide

Gives itself to the sea

Until dawn

You gave yourself

To me

And you should know
That you made me

Complete

Black Moth

Black moth
Wears sooted wings
A resistant residue
Of powdered coal
Envelopes your soul
Trodden upon
Turned cold
Where did you go
Will you fly again
Up high in the sky
Mediocre fair
Without wheel of ferris
Candy flossed
A pink you don't know
Or remember
Ever tasting
Shut out
A colorful world
And wings that sing
As dancers do on toes
Kaleidoscope dreams
Moving like the salted sand
Beneath my feet
Smoothly
Hushing
Summer breeze
Unlike winter's breath
With a slow and steady murder
At the chance
Of Autumn's arms
Cradling snug
Around this frame
Tiny. Petite
All still now
Settle the dust
And hand pain
A different hand to hold
Fall in love under trees
Where the butterflies roam
Bound and buried in tar
Black moth you wont do
Don't drape your black cape
Around my wings too

Again, Goodbye.

Vicious

Beastly

Yet kind

In your eyes

Behind the lines

Drafting tales

To tell over and over

Again

Harsh reality

Sinking deeper in

To the trap

We found ourselves 

Hiding behind

Captured

Our hearts

And more moments in time

Stopping, stopped

All the air lost

Sipping

Eyes wise

And wide

Over cups

Of chamomile tea

Followed ecstasy

Dreams of a life

Mexican delights

Everything wanted

The answers

Left seeking

We’d sought

And the chance

In us to find

What could be

Blissful and kind

Turned to lies

And fell apart

In the blink

Of my eye

And so begins

Again

Goodbye

Infinitely Lost

I was trapped

For years going back

Wandering halls

As dark as night

The tunnel I could see

In front of me

Lonely hallow 

Lacking light

No end

No evidence

Or proof of relief 

A sign of white

Ready to carry me home

Time kept me stuck

In dreams

I could not shake

Awake 

Whispering loneliness

Enveloping my soul

Voice carrying echos 

And painful calls 

Returning to me

Along empty walls

Bitter boomerang sounds

Drenched in ghostly gowns

Taunting and curling 

A fury of cluttered dust

And still I stood

In ice and time

An empty tin 

Of broken glass

Bound and tied

Without an ounce

A drop of life to catch 

And reel me back in

Dissecting wounds

Gnawing on flesh

The perpetual reminder

Of what would stay

Forever never

And just as I surrender

To the voices that beckon 

The begging retired 

Luring zombies to bed 

I catch a glimpse 

Alive

In the depth 

Of a knight

Peering beyond

Shining shielded armor

Built to barricade 

And house

The frail weed 

Growing and then dying within

Bodiless, lifeless limbs

And like fireflies fly

He lit up the whole sky

And handed a world

Of fairytale dreams

Glistening with hope

Pearled oysters delight

And within him I lay

Stay

Infinitely lost

In eyes

Deepest brown

I've ever known

Behind Orchids Light

I'm going to lose my cool

Let fly from any control

Left circulating through my veins

This place feels wrong

But right

And I have no idea why

Or what to do about it

It's 6:00am 

And the rain is pouring down

Heavy on the tarps

Making a mess of the garbage garden 

Waiting on the other side

Of your bedside box

Barred glass still behind orchids light

I look down at you 

Eyes half closed

And wonder what 

The part that is half open

Can see

Is it me?

Or perhaps your mind is painting 

A picture different to this

Is your body draped here on these 

White sheets

Heavy in a half slumber

Or are you bound

To another

Who weighs heavy on your heart

Stalking the corridors

Of the home we are trying to build

You're right

These insecurities riddle my soul

With disdaining pressure

And the burden of this load

Feels unbearable to court

And yet the statements sweep

Glide like darts through the air

Because it's all I have left

When I know that I 

Have never

And will never 

Be enough

Mended Hearts

Don't feel sorry for me
I don't
All because I have
What you let go
And more
So much more
Than you'll ever know
Because your heart
Was too selfish
To be selfless with his
I picked up your pieces
The ones you left
Bloody and cold
Sewed them together
And nurtured
Them whole
I thought I'd resent you
For having stories with him
Before I wrote mine
But the memories we create
Are always one of a kind
And now is the time
For us to bathe in the light
Watching our bloom
As we shower in sunshine
And stitch together
A pair of mending hearts
Who found in one another
What we were looking for
From the start

Checkered Lives

I sat across a table from you

A teeny tiny table

Dressed in red and white checks

And watched the awkward movements

Flinch back and forth between us

Eyes juggling from left to right

Our minds pensive 

Confused and exhausted

Who are we?

What do we even mean to each other anyway?

You've been here with her

I know it

But am supposed to find a way

To be okay with being just another

And you find your way

To make me pay for ever being with

The light of another soul

Before you

But there was life before you 

And before us, I felt things

Perhaps not the same

As intense, nor real

But still relevant

And I've heard you too many times

Utter her name

Talk to me about her beauty

And wonder

The crazy love of your life

Despite her insanity

And deceptive ways

Maybe she does know you better

Better than me

Better than I ever will

Maybe you're destined 

To find each other again

Play happy families

With the one who gets you best

I may know how to push your insides out

To create a light in your fire

That had been long put out

But maybe fate

Ends for you and me there

A crazy couple of months

Of passionate curiosity and lust

And maybe I was only put in your path

To remind you of what could have actually been

What could be

In the arms of another

With someone completely unlike me

You're about to go away

And be within arms reach 

Of everything you'd always dreamed of

Don't let me be the girl 

To get in the way of who

And what you really need

Or want

Colored Life

You've colored my life
In such a short amount of time
And I no longer
Want to hide
In layers of black and white
I only wish to dream
Of what is yet to come
And bask in the magic
Fly high in the sky
With lover's colored kite

Amber's Fire

My fingers are alight
Like fire
Energy bursting from within them
Powering through the ends
Like swords of light
Racing time
And challenging heartbeats
You did this
Brought me back to life
And made everything
Feel like electric fireworks
And magnetic tides
Throwing me with incredible force
Towards you
And everything we are becoming
It's the most beautiful flame
I have ever known
And I could sit forever
Hypnotically watching it dance
Twirling energy of light
Richest amber raging
Taunting the dark of night
And removing the blackness
Of an old life
Mine
Along with any of the shadows
That I used to own

You - Part 8

And then suddenly

The story I always wanted to tell

All the things I thought I still

Had left to say

Were gone

And so too were the feelings

That helped me create those words

And after every moment spent with you

Who would have thought 

That part 8 would be the end

But I'm happy with that

My recently found number 8

Letting go

For something wondrous 

And infinitely new

So the reason why 

Our story ends at 8

Is because the real meaning

Of infinite love

I found in someone else

Completely unlike you

Mexico Dreaming

I cannot sleep
My mind is filled with
Mexican dreams
And taking those four days off
To run away with you
I can't help but wonder
What might happen
If I give into you
And the desires building
Steadily inside of me
I have the potential to fall
Desperately for you
Maybe I already am

Your eyes scare me
In the best
And most beautiful way possible
They're everything I always hoped
That I would find
Everything
And more
Where did you come from?
And how did you find me?
I'm losing myself in you
Completely
I can feel it
But there's not one part of me
That wants it to stop

It's the middle of the night
And I've been staring at
This moonlit room
And you
For what seems like hours on end
You're asleep next to me
And I just want to kiss you
Over and over again
My mind is tangled
In the second sheet
We left on the shelf
When we made your bed tonight
And I just want to be tangled
In it with you too

You made love to me earlier
To the sound of a real record
Playing over on its end
And it was perfect
Now I'm still awake
With all these thoughts
Left circling in my head
And I can't find the off switch
To my minds own soundtrack
You're twitching
Ever so slightly
And I'm wondering what it is
That you're dreaming about

I've never had someone look at me
The way you do
And I've never had so much to learn from someone
Never wanted to
I tried to draw a heart for you
On a window that was half frosted
Half not
And now as I lay
Calmed by the window's blue light
Writing these moments
To keep from this night
Etched into my heart
Waiting for the dawn to come
I am happy
And content
And at one

Cafe Cafe

I'm sitting here
Cafe Cafe
Cosy and content
Inside you
Staring at your cup
Green outside
Full of tea
Of the English type
I ordered it
Because you did
The last time
We'd been here
Weather's the same
Sunshine, no rain
And surprise Cafe
It's warm again
Perhaps too warm
In this spot
By the door
Sitting up tall
On this chair
The vents above my head
Blasting a heatwave
Mechanically driven air
It's been such a while
Since I last saw your face
Cafe Cafe
Still my favourite place
And you're always on my mind
No matter what else I find
And I did
Find something
New
But at the end of the day
I still can't walk away
And what does that say
My little Cafe
About you
About me
About us

Strokes Of You

I don't need to think when I draw you

My hand is guided by my heart

And my heart knows every stroke

Of every line

That forms your face

Duck Rot

Another morning grey in the city

Cold and uninviting

Not at all displaying the chances

And opportunity bundled beneath its wings

I sit

Silently

Riding the morning bus

B62 

Ready to tackle 

Another 24

I see you

Large woman waddling

Feet shuffling along 

Damp and dirty ground

Here 

At this broken down corner

Of this broken down town

And I know

You don't aspire to anything more

For your life

Unlike you

I am so far from home

So out of my comfort zone

But my determination is unfaltered

This body wrapped around 

The bones and organs

And rouge saturated insides

Refuses to give in to 

The nothingness 

You seem to have lost yourself between

And the acceptance

Of a future as a duck

Webbed and stuffed 
Inside a scrunched up winter coat

That is stained and too small

For the mountain you've become

Pulling yourself along

Stalking the streets

That have been left here to rot

And so may you

Rot along too

If that's what you choose

But I will not

Can not

Refuse to

I'm here. Where are you?

I live in New York - the city I loathe to love and adore to hate.
I'm still finding my ground - but who isn't?
We get as good as we give, and we give until we can't anymore.
I'm naive, so still giving.
It is what it is and we are who we are... and I'm here.
So where are you?

Deflected War

Your words feed my breath
The sounds
Escape your lips
And sneak in
Spirit wanderers
Inexplicable reason
Truth
Regained consciousness
And recognition
Of the place
And timing
Of our existence
I knew you always
You knew me too
Relapse of
Heartbeat
Broken words and
Cruel confirmations
Of unexplainable connections
Beating us raw
Defeated
And deflected
Raging wars
Between us

Vicious Release

Calm

Is this silent town

But still

You creep

Weaving wondrous webs

Whispering words

You'll regret

Whirling 

Ideas that torture

Pressed deep

Inside

So you can 

Rob me

Of all I am

And all

I have to give

Watch as I fall

Contract

Lose it all

And let me 

Give into you

Sell my soul

To your ugly 

But beautiful haze

And the throb

You hurl

Viciously 

Through my chest

Dagered 

Nailed to your cross

Drenched in your

Blanket of hypnosis

Covered in

Waves of lies

Washing over these limbs

Undressed

And disabled

Enter

Watch me cringe

With pleasure 

Confused by pain

Lust mixed

Hope

Dripping sweat

And tears

Disabled

A tremor

Yours

Mine

Gone

Release

Like Flying

Sometimes you'll have a moment in your life, sometimes many of them, where you take a huge breath in and out, and something changes. And in that breath, you find your footing. You become completely content in every single inch of your existence. You feel like you're soaring even though your feet are planted firmly on the ground. Sometimes you find this moment in a song, in the sound of someone else's voice or the music humming sweetly into your ears. Sometimes you find it in the sky, or the moon, or the couple in love sitting opposite you on the train. And sometimes you find these moments in someone else.  No matter where you find them though, take the time to soak them up. Live in those moments for as long as you possibly can. Fly. Take everything the world is giving you in these precious minutes and hug the air surrounding them. I had these moments with you. Because of you. And your laugh. Because of the way your eyes snuck into my soul and understood every detail that created my being. It's hard when you find those moments in someone else, because it makes it so much harder when they are gone. But rather than dwell on what you lose in life, it's so important to remember the moments you actually had. Remember them, put them in a special box and smile in their memory. Then take a breath. In and out... and let yourself be overcome by a new moment. Let yourself fly again. And again, and again.