A Weekend Regret

"I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, as I sat silently on the bed owned by a man I'd never met but heard thousands of stories about. His life surrounds me - every inch of him. His mind, his art, his creations, they are alive and breathing within these walls. And yet there are elements of the dead creeping and roaming, silently with a noiseless presence that is urging me into a state of numbed "pensiveness". There are remains of what once was hung before me, in the style of a gallery grand, where everyone will come. Am I invited to the party? Or am I merely the eyes that watch it all come together?

There's so much silence here. It reminds me of home. Perhaps the silence is bringing the quiet out in me. It's as though this calm has created an uncertain awareness in me. An uneasy feeling. But why? I sleep next to a soul I adore, walk hand-in-hand with a man I love. And yet, when asked from this same man, whom I cherish so dearly, what is wrong, my words are gone and I feel nothing but empty. Incomplete. Dead. There is everything here and yet there is nothing. There are birds. I hear them calling. Somewhere out in those trees upon trees. Calling to each other. Or perhaps they're calling to me. What if those little singing birds are attempting to give me all the answers I have ever yearned to find. Wouldn't that be nice. And yet not for I do not understand these little bird's songs.

The time drags on. The moments of quiet creating a messy noise in my mind. Blinding my sight and sucking out any energy I had left. I don't want to go on the roof. Nor in the pool. Nor in the outdoor shower. Oh how I disappoint you. I don't want to eat anymore pasta, even though secretly I do. I don't want anymore wine, or beer, or anything like it that will produce only more pounds of empty flesh that nestle into my body as their effects seep into my core,  tormenting me with their comfort and ease. I don't want to wear any clothes, and yet the idea of being bare, breathing only in skin is enough to stir the panic inside me. The haunting I have learned to keep at bay."

I had love and bliss in the palm of my hand and I let a negative force overcome me - with regret I read this back and scoff at the beauty I ruined in your eyes and our time.